19 weeks!

19 weeks! So that's a maternity shirt that I'm wearing, Old Navy, size medium. I'm starting to think I'm going to need at least a large by the end of this pregancy, if not an extra large!

Things are going well. After the ultrasound last week and being able to feel Baby Rhody pretty much every day now, I am feeling very confident about this prengancy. I had a dream a few days ago about actually giving birth and holding a newborn. It's just great.

Along with this, I've kept up my energy from the second trimester. I was able to cook a 4-course dinner from scratch and entertain 6 of Mr. Rhody's family for Christmas, though, now that my in-laws have left, it seems to be catching up to me. Regardless, I don't know if I could have done most of this in the first trimester.

We have another midwife appointment this week to review our ultrasound results and then we'll be doing Christmas with my family this coming weekend. I'm off this week, and I'm hoping to make a real dent in the nursery, though maybe I'm being over-optimistic there. We will see.

"Big" ultrasound

Yesterday, we had our "big" ultrasound. We have no plans to find out the gender before Baby Rhody is born, but we were still very excited to see baby again--and a little bit anxious to make sure everything was progressing well!

Well, the great news is that everything looked good. It was really amazing how much detail they could see already on the ultrasound, even down to the brain stem and the kidneys. Baby was measuring above-average for 18w at 9 oz--no wonder I've been feeling him / her so early! Baby was also really active the whole time; I'm sure that had nothing to do with the cookie dough (eggless!) I was snacking on before the appointment.

The tech seemed somewhat relieved to find out we didn't want to know the gender; apparently, there is a pre-Chistmas rush where everyone wants to find out to announce on Christmas, and it puts a lot of pressure on her to be able to find the sex reliably.

Anyway, she gave us a bunch of pictures, and I've scanned a few in to share. :)

Baby's face. I think I'm supposed to say "OH, how cute!" but in reality, all I can think is, "My baby looks like Skeletor." Baby sticking his/her tongue out. Now that's my child.

Hand + mouth = NOM.

It was really pretty amazing. There's really a baby in there!!

We felt the baby!!!

Baby Rhody was really active yesterday, all day. I got a couple of good kicks, and I started to wonder if I could feel them from the outside. Keeping in mind that I was still super early, when I climbed into bed at night, I put my hand on my lower belly and waited. Soon enough, I felt a distinct "thump" against my hand! I was so excited. I took Mr. Rhody's hand and placed it there, and after a minute or so, he felt it too!

Oh man, I am so excited that we can feel the baby now! Every day, this pregnancy is feeling more and more real.

I had my appointment with the high-risk doctor today. I had to see another doctor because mine wasn't available, which made me a little nervous going in, but it turns out my anxiety was unfounded. The doctor just asked if my headaches/numbness were still bothering me (they aren't), checked my Lovenox injection sites (they look good), made sure I wasn't showing any other strange symptoms (I'm not), and telling me that my TSH came back perfect (1.22).

"Big" ultasound tomorrow! I can't wait! I am also officially on vacation until January. I have a lot of cooking and cleaning ahead of me, so I'd better get started!

18 weeks!

Here I am, at 18 weeks! I realized a few weeks ago that I had a sort of mental block around 20 weeks. I was sort of riding through this pregnancy, but I really didn't think I'd make it that far. Now 20 weeks seems right around the corner!

Based on pictures alone, it doesn't look like my belly is getting much bigger, but it feels bigger to me. I think it looks a bit bigger as well, but maybe that's just because my pants can't hold it in anymore. Every day my belly feels a bit harder as well. I am starting to have to be careful what I'm wearing because my shirts keep getting shorter and shorter on me. Also, when I stand up straight, it feels like my belly is getting stretched. It's an odd feeling.

So I tried to Doppler yesterday, and I kept getting a lot of static. Even when I changed the batteries, I couldn't even find my heartbeat very well! Eventually, I found Baby Rhody's heartbeat, which was reassuring, but I think all of that "static" I was hearing was Baby Rhody kicking around. Today, after lunch, I kept getting more and more thumps. I love it! It's the best feeling ever to feel my child and be able to smile to myself and know that everything is OK. It's like my little secret.

This is going to be a busy week. I have two doctor's appointments--visiting with the high-risk group tomorrow and then my "big" ultrasound on Wednesday. Of course, Friday is Christmas, and we are hosting 8 people, which will be fun! I need to start cooking!

A couple of good "firsts"

Mr. Rhody and I made our first baby purchase this weekend, and it was totally frivolous: a 4-foot stuffed elephant for the nursery! I am SUCH a practical person usually, so this is totally out of character for me! I just saw this elephant in Aldi, and I HAD to have it! Mr. Rhody and I kept giggling as we went through the aisles. We had a giant elephant in our cart!

At the check-out, the clerk said, "I wish I had a reason to get one of those," and I was thinking, "I DO! I really do!" When we got to the car, I buckled the elephant into one of the back seats. Mr. Rhody didn't notice until we got him, when he finally saw it and cracked up laughing.

That was pretty much the highlight of my weekend.

And then, yesterday, the woman in the check-out line at my work cafeteria stopped me while I was paying and asked, "When are you due?" Eep! My first sort-of stranger comment! It was so exciting!

It's the little things that put a smile on my face these days.

17 weeks!

17 weeks! This has been the week of finding my boundaries and getting used to my changing body.

Last Monday (a week ago today), I fell out of bed. How did that happen? I don't really know, except that I went to swing my legs over the edge, and the next thing I knew, I was on the floor, crying. I ended up with a fist-sized bruise on my back.

I told myself that I was all better, and I took Friday off to work on the house and clean and prepare for Christmas. I got a lot done, but I ended up with an achy back and being exhausted for the whole weekend.

Today, I finally felt back to normal, and, after work, I was doing some laundry in the basement when I tried to step over my bike and ended up on the floor, having caught the pedal. I was so angry with myself for not just moving the bike first. I did cut myself somewhat, but good to know the Lovenox is not overly thinning my blood since I had pretty much clotted by the time I made it upstairs to clean myself up.

On the mental side, I've been having nightmares about not being able to find the heartbeat any more. I'm not sure where this extra anxiety is coming from, but I am so happy that I have the Doppler and have been able to check on Baby Rhody. I even had a dream that my dogs were sick and given 24 hours to live! Yikes!

I got a Facebook message from a "friend" of mine today that I haven't spoken to in over a year. She wanted to let me know that she's pregnant. It wasn't planned; I don't even know if she's in a relationship. I suppose I should reply with some congratulations, but I really want to ask her why she felt the need to tell me. She doesn't know about my pregnancy--in fact, most of our non-local friends don't. I was considering announcing after our "big" ultrasound next week, but considering the anxious week I've been having, I'm not commiting to anything!

16 weeks!

16 weeks! I'm not sure these pictures adequately show how my belly is growing, but it is! Every week my maternity pants fit a little better, and that's exciting! I think I've started to feel some movement. I actually felt it first right before 15w, but I wasn't really sure and I was hesitant to call it before, but I've been feeling it enough that I'm pretty sure that's what it is now. It's so exciting to have another sign that Baby Rhody is doing well!

I really love having energy again. I went shopping for over 3 hours on Sunday. I worked until 4:30 today, got a hair cut, made cornbread, had dinner, did a load of laundry, and I'm still not asleep yet! I honestly don't think I've felt this good in over a year.

Overall, things are going really well. I'm starting to get excited for the holiday season. To be perfectly honest, there is a part of me that is trying my hardest not to think about last Christmas (when we annouced the first pregnancy to our parents and family), but I am focusing on the future and trying my hardest not to think of the past.

15 weeks!

Can you believe I'm 15 weeks today? I can't! This is crazy. And, as you can see from the picture above, I am growing like crazy. This is the week I originally had wanted to wait until to break the news. Ha!

I can say that I'm feeling GREAT these days, better than I have in ... oh, I don't know, the past year? I have energy, optimism, and a libido on the level that I haven't seen since I was about 15 years old.

I got Mr. Rhody to measure me for a new bra this morning, since nothing is really fitting well. I clocked in at ... are you sitting down ... a 32H. Oh, yeah. So, needless to say, my selection is really limited, and I'm a bit afraid that I'm going to grow even more when baby comes! Everything I read says to wait until 8 months to buy nursing bras because that's when you'll finally stabilize. Seriously?

I am finally embracing all things pregnancy. I borrowed the book Baby Bargains from the library this weekend and used that and Consumer Reports to build our baby budget. I still need to go out to Babies R Us to pick out the exact models of things, but at least I know what I'm looking for. Also this weekend, Mr. Rhody and I made a good dent in cleaning out the office / future nursery. I need to register for Daycare this week (we know the place, I just need to return the paperwork) and really get started on a Pediatrician. I have another check-up this week, and hopefully I'll get to schedule our "big" ultrasound then!

14 weeks!

What do you think? I think I look about the same this week, maybe a little bigger. I am feeling pretty good, though I managed to catch a cold and had a pretty miserable weekend. Of course, I was just well enough today that it didn't make sense to stay home from work.

Remember how we all looked at the 13w picture and laughed that everyone at work MUST already know? Well, someone today admitted to me that she thought I looked pregnant last Thursday (the day before the announcement), but was hesitant to say anything in case she was wrong. Maybe I wasn't hiding it as well as I thought. Ha.

A few people at work have been joking about starting a betting pool for the birth. I already have one vote for girl and one for boy. I am really getting a kick out of this all. I love being able to talk about it.

Other than that, nothing much new to report. I am excited to see my family for Thanksgiving so that I can show off my growing belly! I still can't believe that I've made it this far, but I am loving every day of it.

The secret's out!

My pregnancy was finally announced at work yesterday. My department head--upon hearing about our first pregnancy--was so excited to announce it then and so genuinely sad for us when we had our loss. I was so excited to be able to tell him a few weeks ago and let him announce finally ... one year later.

We were supposed to have a meeting in the afternoon where my pregnancy was the last item on the agenda, but the department head ended up getting sick yesterday, so he was working from home! He sent me an email in the morning asking if it would be ok if he announced in an email instead. At this point, I was just ready to have the secret out, though I seemed unable to tell people myself, so I told him to go for it.

I think it actually worked out better being announced in an email than in a meeting. Had it been in a meeting, everyone would have looked at me at the same time, and I probably would have felt very overwhelmed. With it announced in an email, everyone read the email at slightly different times, and I had people coming over to congratulate me for the rest of the day. It was very nice, and it allowed me to have multiple smaller conversations. Oh, and can you believe only one person swore that they "knew"? Everyone else must have just thought I've been putting on weight!

So that's it. Pretty much everyone important knows now, and the rest should find out through word of mouth. I should alert my mom that it's okay to send the news through the family gossip chain if she hasn't already.

I really love having people know. I'm already excited about all of the clothes I can now wear again that don't specifically hide my bump. After a year of being pregnant off and on, it feels really great to actually be able to talk about it out loud.

13 weeks! - now with a belly pic!!

13 weeks today, and I am over the moon. This is officially the most pregnant I have ever been. With the second trimester only days away and being able to hear Baby Rhody daily on the Doppler, I am feeling pretty darn good.

Physically, I'm feeling great. My main symptom is still exhaustion, which I thought would slow down when I stopped taking the progesterone last week, but no dice. Mr. Rhody finally told me this weekend to stop expecting the exhaustion to go away so I would not have to get disappointed when it didn't. Other than that, I do seem to have a small bump. I need to get Mr. Rhody to take a picture when we gets home. (Edit: I did it!) Between my boobs any my belly, it's getting harder and harder to find shirts that still look decent.

This weekend, I had a bit of a breakdown because I was tired of being tired, prompting Mr. Rhody's comment above. I was upset because it's just starting to hit me all of the things that need to be done before Baby Rhody gets here--things I had been too scared to let myself consider up until recently. In the end, Mr. Rhody and I went out to a nice, relaxing dinner where I stopped worrying about the state of the house and, instead, we brainstormed baby names. It was just wonderful to relax and reconnect with him.

I told my siblings last week, and it is really nice to hear some congratulations. Work is going to find out this coming Friday, and I can't wait! Right now I just want to shout it from the rooftops. We're going to have a baby!!

Tagged!

Apparently Peetie thinks I'm Over the Top, so she tagged me for the survey!

Rules

1. You Can Only Use One Word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Survey~

1. Where is your cell phone? table
2. Your hair? short
3. Your mother? strong
4. Your father? not
5. Your favorite food? Mexican
6. Your dream last night? forgot
7. Your favorite drink? water
8. Your dream/goal? complete
9. What room are you in? parlor
10. Your hobby? reading
11. Your fear? solitude
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? closer
13. Where were you last night? here
14. Something that you aren't? timid
15. Muffins? yes
16. Wish list item? faith
17. Where did you grow up? Jersey
18. Last thing you did? eat
19. What are you wearing? fleece
20. Your TV? commercial
21. Your pets? wary
22. Friends? scattered
23. Your life? good
24. Your mood? happy
25. Missing someone? always
26. Vehicle? love
27. Something you’re not wearing? shoes
28. Your favorite store? construction
29. Your favorite color? bright
30. When was the last time you laughed? now
31. Last time you cried? Thursday
32. Your best friend? husband
33. One place that I go to over and over? supermarket
34. One person who emails me regularly? husband
35. Favorite place to eat? home

So I'm tagging whomever hasn't done this already! Ready ... go!

A "normal" appointment

I just got back from another midwife appointment. Normal stuff, pee in a cup, check my weight, listen to the baby. The fact that it was a normal appointment was the most amazing part of it though! I think this is the first "normal" appointment I've ever had!

Somehow, even though I ate half a cheesecake for dessert last night, I managed to lose 5 pounds in the past week. I'm sure it's normal fluctuation, but I'm amazed that I lost anything!

More importantly, the midwife found Baby Rhody right away this time, and said Baby's heartbeat was in the 160s, which is right where I was finding it at home. I didn't share that we'd been listening at home, but I was very happy to know what we were hearing was right on!

I am just feeling so good right now! I can't believe we've made it this far!

12 weeks ... and 12 months

12 weeks today, and I'm feeling great! Things are going so well that, at Mr. Rhody's urging, I have decided to let the cat out of the bag this week. I had originally planned to wait for Thanksgiving and the week after, but my body seems to have other ideas. I'll have to start posting pictures soon, but, when I wear maternity pants, I have a serious baby belly these days! I'm so surprised, and I had thought I wouldn't get anything like that for a few more weeks. I'm not complaining though, I am enjoying every minute of this.

Some people might even say I'm in the second trimester as of this morning. In fact, Mr. Rhody and my mother have already said so. Mr. Rhody and I got to hear the baby's heartbeat this morning, so I am feeling very optimistic. Physically, I'm still feeling very tired and a bit sore, but great other than that. I told my mother this weekend that I was tired all of the time recently, to which she replied, "Just wait until you have to go home to nap in the middle of the day!" Thanks, mom. It's good to know that she's thinking of me though.

On the other side of things, 12 months ago today I got my first positive pregnancy test. I can't believe it's only been a year; so much has happened in the past 12 months. When we started this journey, I expected it to take a few months to get me pregnant, but I never expected to lose a baby--and most certainly not two of them! One of the saddest things that's happened in this past year is that I lost a very good friend, someone that I'd considered one of my best friends, because she had a hard time dealing with my losses. I miss her every day, but I know she had to do what she needed to do for herself. Instead, I've met and surrounded myself with so many wonderful, supportive women. I love that I have this group to share my every day with; I love that they seem to "get" me.

Today, I know so much more about my body than I did 12 months ago, from reading cervical fluid to the smallest genetic details. While I'm sad that two lives were lost on our journey to get here, I see this as a journey of discovery, and I know that each of those two babies contributed in their little way. I love and appreciate my body more every day. I love and appreciate this baby growing within me more than I ever knew that was possible. While I miss the two that I've lost, I am looking forward to meeting this child in 6 more months. Baby Rhody is my constant reminder that we can both respect the past and continue moving forward.

I love Saturdays

I've been so bad about updating. Everything has just kicked my butt this week, and I'm blaming it on the time change messing with my internal clock. My car has also been out of service this week, so Mr. Rhody has been driving me to and from work, which means I've been at work later than usual.

Anyway, I had an interesting afternoon on Tuesday. I got a call Tuesday morning that they'd gotten in a bunch of H1N1 shots, first come, first serve. I already had my neurologist appointment scheduled for 3:20, so I said I'd come in at 3. Of course, I got to the office right at 3, and, at 3:20, I was still waiting in the waiting room with the receptionist promising me every 5 minutes the nurse was "just" about to take me in. Finally, they gave me a different nurse who did the shot quickly. Sheesh! At least it's done, and I am all immunized.

So we showed up to the neurologist's office about 15 minutes late, but he didn't seem to mind as much as his receptionist did. He was a really nice guy, especially notable for the fact that he didn't talk down to us. After talking for about an hour over my symptoms, he said, based on the MRI and the accompanying headaches, he thinks it's just migraines from the increase in hormones from pregnancy. He said that the numbness should get better over time, which it has. I'd say it peaked around week 9, so this seems to go with his theory well. He said to call him if it gets suddenly worse or changes.

Overall, it's been a good week. Except for being tired most of the time, I've been feeling pretty good. In fact, I felt well enough last night to go to the Melting Pot with Mr. Rhody and gorge myself on 4 courses. All that and I even woke up early this morning with a growling stomach!

11 weeks!

11 weeks! I can't believe it! I have to admit, though, after I made the comment last week about how this pregnancy was going so quickly, this last week just dragged. I don't know if it's because work was less busy or because I had been looking forward to 10 weeks to use the Doppler, with not-so-great results.

Most of my feeling ick from last week is gone. I'm still mildly nauseated and picky about foods, but I don't really feel like I'm going to throw up much. My worst symptom these days is heartburn, and EVERYTHING gives me heartburn: chocolate chip cookies, leftover Halloween candy, the smell of DH cooking Swiss chard (yes, really). Tums are my new best friend.

This weekend, DH and I went shopping, and I bought a bunch of maternity clothes. It felt so good to have this outward feeling of, "I am pregnant, and this is really going to work." I got a great pair of secondhand wool pants (which I hemmed) for $20, and a pair of jeans (which I need to bring to get hemmed) and 2 sweaters from Old Navy. I also got 2 empire-waisted sweaters for Macy's, one of which I wore today and got tons of compliments! If people only knew!

After we got home from work today, Mr. Rhody asked if we could try the Doppler again. He admitted to me he was getting a bit worried and disappointed we hadn't really heard the baby yet--maybe quickly here and there, but never a real, constant heartbeat. And, today, at 11 weeks on the mark, WE HEARD THE HEARTBEAT. WOOGA WOOGA WOOGA WOOGA WOOGA WOOG. It was the best sound ever. I wanted to lay there forever and listen to it, but Mr. Rhody said I had to stop harassing the baby. YAY! I'm so excited!!!

I could get used to this

Another great midwife appointment today! I wasn't sure if I liked this midwife the first time I saw her, but I liked her a lot more this time. Kudos for Mr. Rhody convincing me last time that my nervousness was probably getting in the way of my judgement.

The midwife was not able to find the baby's heartbeat on the Doppler--though, honestly, she didn't try all that long. Instead of searching and making me worry, she suggested right away that we do an ultrasound. There was baby, heart still beating away. And now I know that it's not just me who can't find the heartbeat with the Doppler.

I also found out that there's a good chance I might be able to stay with the midwives throughout my pregnancy, even while being on the Lovenox. The midwife needs to check with the rest of the group, but that sounds promising.

I told the midwife that I was nervous about waiting 4 weeks until the next appointment, especially since our first loss was discovered at 12.5 weeks, so now I'm going to go back for another check-up in 2 weeks! She did say I could continue coming in every 2 weeks until I could feel the baby if I wanted, which I don't know if I'll do, but I appreciate having the option.

Also, not related to this appointment, but I realized I had never updated on my MRI. Apparently my brain is "normal". (How disappointing! I had expected them to come back with a diagnosis of "stupendous"!) So, since I'm still having that pesky numbness, I've been referred to a neurologist. I certainly am getting my money's worth out of our insurance this year!

10 weeks!

10 weeks today, and I'm feeling pretty optimistic!

As an aside, I can say the worst thing about having had 2 missed miscarriages is that you no longer trust your body. It's so scary for me to embrace this pregnancy. I hate the idea that that baby could die and I could have no idea and still walk around feeling pregnant. In a way, it makes me feel like a bad mother because shouldn't I know something as simple as whether my baby is alive or not?

But that's beside the point, because today is a day to celebrate being in the double digits for weeks completed. As of today, Baby Rhody is officially a fetus. It's a great milestone.

I would like to say that, now that we are at 10 weeks, I officially heard the baby's heartbeat on the Doppler. Well, I think I did, but it was still kind of quiet and far away. I could catch readings of 170-180 for a moment on the screen, but I could never really get a good lock on things. I did hear a lot of whistling and whooshing, which I think is the placenta. I'm not ready to consider this a success though. I'm going to give it a few more days.

Remember a few weeks ago how I said that I was feeling really, surprisingly good this pregnancy? Well that ended this past week. Around Thursday / Friday, the "morning sickness" really started to settle in. One night poor Mr. Rhody made potato-leek soup for dinner, and the smell was SO AWFUL that I had to hide in the bedroom. I still haven't thrown up, but I've come close.

I have an appointment with the midwife on Thursday after work, where I think she's going to try her Doppler. I have decided against the NT scan, after wavering a bit this weekend, but I think I might ask for an u/s around 12.5 weeks just to check on the baby since we lost the first one so close to there.

I have to say, this pregnancy is going by much faster than the last 2, and that is a Godsend!

A GOOD milestone

If you has asked me this morning, I was convinced that I would be writing a completely different type of post this afternoon. My doctors appointments went better than I had dared to let myself hope.

First, our ultrasound. Baby Rhody has kept up the gains made last week and is now measuring 9w6d, still 4 days ahead of LMP with a healthy heartbeat of 176 bpm. Baby was even waving at the camera! I was so overwhelmed emotionally that I started to tear up and I squeezed Mr. Rhody's hand so much that he complained it hurt. :)

As for my MRI, the experience itself was fine. I brought a Miles Davis CD with me, so I mostly kept my eyes shut and listened to the music while they did the scans. It didn't seem to take long at all. They said it will take 2-3 days for my doctor to get the results, so I'm still keeping my fingers crossed.

Right now, I'm just over the moon at having made it this far! Oh, and we didn't get any ultrasound pictures again--sorry ladies!

9 weeks!

This is it. The scary week. The week our last two little ones stopped developing. Mr. Rhody and I have been a little extra on edge, but, overall, I think we are doing well.

Physically, this pregnancy has really hit me. My nausea is really settling in. I feel the worse as the day goes on, until I usually give up around 8 pm and just go to bed. This really ruined my weekend since I didn't want to do anything after noon. Most troubling to me, the headaches / left facial side numbness I've had since week 5 has been getting worse.

Wednesday is the big day this week. After work, first we have an ultrasound. I'll be 9w2d then, and I'm hoping to see a heartbeat and maybe to still have retained some of the gains we made last week. After the ultrasound, we are headed to the hospital for my MRI, which will hopefully give us some information as to why I'm having these disturbing symptoms.

In other news, the NY Times is currently running an poorly-researched and awfully-written series on infertility. I made the mistake of reading some of the reader's comments while I was feeling unwell this weekend. I ended up sobbing in Mr. Rhody's arms about how I couldn't believe how insensitive some people were. I hate that this process is so unfair.

I can't believe I am only 9 weeks today. I have caught a few people at work looking at me askance, so I asked the coworker that knows that I am pregnant if I'm not hiding it as well as I think. She told me that I do look a little different, but she thinks I'm over-analyzing. Well, which is it? Do I look different or not?

I think if we have a good ultrasound this week, I might reward myself with some more "transition" clothes to get me through the next month. Nice, bulky sweaters and empire-waisted shirts seem like they would be especially appropriate.

Please give us all of your thoughts and prayers for Wednesday!

Baby-vision!

Baby is still there. Heart is still beating a very healthy 170 bpm. The most exciting news though is that baby is measuring 4 days AHEAD at 8w6d. I know I shouldn't get to excited, that these measurements are only approximate, but I've never had a baby measure ahead before. Especially during this critical time--when I've already lost 2 babies that measured 9w1d, I am very happy to be 4 days ahead. I am hoping this will bode well for the future.

And just to continue to be those weird patients, I told the technician she didn't have to bother to print out pictures for us. I have a collection of 8w ultrasound pictures already. All I want is a healthy baby.

Next week is going to be the big week! If we can make it 2 more weeks, then I will be over the moon.

Also, I should mention that the Lovenox shots are not bad at all. They burn a bit, but I am getting used to the sensation. I don't even have to look away any more! Sometimes I get a small bruise at the injection site, but not all the time. And, true to form, my blood clots instantly so there isn't even a bead of blood after Mr. Rhody does the injection.

8 weeks

I'm celebrating 8 weeks today with some mixed feelings. When we first filled the Lovenox prescription this week, I felt so hopeful that this was going to work. I started having dreams about babies again. I found myself actually being able to think about giving birth or having a baby in the house.

At the same time, I knew that I had gotten my hopes up after great 8w ultrasounds with 2 previous pregnancies. I knew that just getting this far did not guarantee me a baby. And I knew that the Lovenox was not a guarantee.

Over the past couple of days, I've felt worry creep back in. Even though I'll be the first in line to tell people that symptoms are not an indication or a healthy or unhealthy pregnancy, I've started to worry about little things. And, this morning, I woke up with cramps.

So now I'm hoping that the cramps are due just to some ::ahem:: intestinal distress I've been having. I have no spotting or bleeding, though that's no consolation with my history. So I'm just putting my feet up today and drinking lots of water, and waiting for Mr. Rhody to get home from a night out with his parents. Ultrasound is already scheduled for Wednesday, so I'll just keep my fingers crossed until then.

You're not going to believe this

I had an amazing doctor's appointment today.

You know that appointment I was dreading because I already "knew" what the doctor was going to say? Yeah that was today. And it went nothing like I thought it would.

So we went to see the OB Medicine group. Basically, this is the group that deals with pregnancy complications, more of a whole body sort of view of medicine than a regular OB's office. They don't deliver babies, but they act as medical advisors.

In short, this doctor we saw today was awesome. We started by talking about our histories, and she talked about how hard it was to find evidence that a clotting disorder caused a miscarriage. Even looking for clots in the placenta could be difficult because there is a good chance the placenta would have clotted between the OR and the lab. Then she said evidence of an infarction was much more convincing, and Mr. Rhody and I nodded interestedly, as neither of us had heard this before. At this point, she stopped and looked at us and commented that we looked like we understood her ... did we maybe have medical backgrounds?

We chuckled at the time, but what impressed us both was that she was actually paying attention. She wasn't just pontificating, running through a pre-rehearsed spiel without responding to her audience. Something about this doctor was different.

Anyway, aside from the talking, she also did an exam. I told her I've been getting headaches on the left side, along with some numbness down the left side of my face. When I'd told my midwife this, she brushed me off, but this doctor did a full neuro exam. She didn't find anything, but she did order me an MRI.

She also felt my thyroid while doing the exam and commented that it felt larger than expected, even for a pregnant woman. She asked if I'd ever been tested before. I said no, and she ordered me the bloodwork.

She listened to my heart and commented that pregnancy might be giving me a murmur (something she says is common), so she ordered an EKG. Luckily, the EKG showed nothing to be worried about, but she's going to keep an eye on it.

Finally, we talked about the Lovenox. She said she didn't put me in the "definitely not" category, but she didn't put me in the "definitely yes" category either. We talked about it a lot, and I appreciated she was very open with us, especially with how there was not consensus in the field. I asked her what she would do if it were her, and she said she'd probably go for it, as the side effects of the treatment were pretty minimal. She kept stressing how low the prophylactic doses really were.

So I think I'm going to do it. Mr. Rhody and I are both taking tomorrow off, so we'll pick up the prescription and then head back to the OB Medicine office for them to show us how to do the injections. It's scary, but I think it's the right path for us. Yeah, I might be risked out of the super-fluffy alternative birthing center, but I will be less stressed for all of the next 30 or so weeks. I think it's the right trade-off.

I haven't wanted to talk much recently

We had another ultrasound today. Things are looking good. Baby is measuring right on schedule at 7w2d with a heartbeat of 156 bpm. I should be thrilled, right? But instead, my anxiety level is just ratcheting up.

Is there any way I could just fast forward through the next 2 weeks?

I am just not in a good place right now. Today is Mr. Rhody's birthday, and I yelled at him this morning. I yelled at him because I was frustrated that all of my shirts are too tight, and he said, "Maybe that is a good sign." I yelled at him because he should know better. I have never had a problem with pregnancy symptoms. They are no indication of a successful pregnancy for me.

I got my flu shot today as well. She did the injection, turned around to grab the bandage, and then didn't know where to put the bandage because there was no drop of blood on my shoulder. I clotted instantly. I wanted to cry. Why can't the doctors see that this is not right?

I have a meeting with the OB Medicine specialists tomorrow. I don't want them to pat me on the head and tell me not to worry myself. They don't know that. I just want someone who is willing to look at this critically. I just don't want to have to lose this baby too for that to happen.

I haven't been posting on the Bump much. I haven't been talking to my friends. I just have nothing to say. I just want to go and hide.

7 weeks

This morning, while pulling my lunch out of the refrigerator, the smell of everything hit me. Yup, I am here again. The refrigerator makes me nauseated. I remember this feeling well.

I was in a training this morning where I ended up sitting between the coworker that is 9 months pregnant and my new coworker who is 5 months pregnant. I said a little prayer that I would one day get to have cute little bumps like they had, even as my bra and my pants felt like they were strangling me because of the bloat.

So, 7 weeks. Luckily, Mr. Rhody and I have a very busy week ahead of us, so that should make things go by quickly. Tonight we are going to a cooking lesson! And Wednesday we have another u/s, dancing lessons, and it is Mr. Rhody's birthday. Thursday is our appointment with the OB Medicine specialists. Hopefully, I'll have some time to do yoga in there as well.

7 weeks. 3 more to go until the magical 10 weeks. Today I am pregnant, and I love my baby. Please, God, let me meet this one.

Taking a stab at optimism

I have to say, it's become a pet peeve of mine when someone who should know better, i.e. a medical professional, looks at me and tells me, "This time it's going to work. I just know it will." I want to yell at them that they don't know that it will. There's no reason for them to give me false hope, especially when they haven't listened to the details of my losses.

On the other hand, I don't want to give up hope on this pregnancy. There is a chance that it will work out. Mr. Rhody are doing everything we can to make this work. Below is my optimistic list. On days when I feel like maybe this time might actually work, these are the reasons:

1. The prothrombin mutation has been around for many generations. Lovenox has not. Somehow, other women have lived with this mutation, and I can learn to live with it as well.
2. Similar to above, studies show that somewhere between 70-80% of women with the prothrombin mutation don't have any problems with recurrent pregnancy loss. It's not known why this is, but that should be reassuring to me that just having this mutation doesn't mean the worst.
3. At the worst, the most dire study that I found said that treatment with aspirin only gives a 33% chance of a healthy baby. While that might be lower than I'd like, that's still a non-zero chance. One in three.
4. Also, I am trying the baby aspirin this time. I didn't try that last time. Maybe I'm lucky and that's all I need. I shouldn't give up on this possibility until I've given it a try.
5. Speaking of new things I'm trying this time around, we are trying the progesterone suppositories. Now, my progesterone levels have never been tested, but since both of my losses were before 10 weeks, there is some chance this could help.
6. One thing that helps is now that I know I have the prothromin mutation, I can actually effect some change to increase my chances. One of the things I'm trying is to reduce my consumption of vitamin K this time around, since vitamin K encouraged blood clotting. Now instead of having just broccoli for dinner, I'll make sure to have more protein. As a side effect, the increased consumption of protein seems to be making my morning sickness less severe.
7. Also in response to the blood clotting, I have been making sure to continue working out this pregnancy. With my first 2 pregnancies, I gave in to the exhaustion early, but I've been fighting it, swimming 1-2x/week, yoga 2x/week, and dancing 1x/week, plus, staying active around the house. At the worst, this should help me not to gain as much weight this time around.
8. Along with exercising 4-5x/week, I have been very careful about not sitting for too long. The biggest thing with this is that I'm going to limit long car rides, which might include a few trips to see the parents. Oh, well, I guess they are just going to have to come and visit us!
9. On the less tangible side, Mr. Rhody and I have stepped up the prayer this time around. As I'd writted about before, we did a novena to St. Gerard this pregancy, and I have the medal that I'd bought and carry around most days.
10. And, finally, It has to work! I won't accept that it won't!

Midwife appointment

The appointment went fine. I LOVE the nurse we had, who was 10x better than the nurse that did the early pregnancy stuff at my last OB's office.

The midwife was ok. She was very direct and succint, which was fine, but she messed something small up about the clotting disorders. She asked my why I was on baby aspirin if my homocysteine levels were not elevated, completely overlooking the way more deleterious prothrombin mutation. Mr. Rhody says I hold on to these things too much, so I'm going to let that go, knowing that she's not trained so much in crazy clotting mutations as she is for giving birth.

I now have ultrasounds scheduled for the next 3 Wednesdays, and I'll be seeing this midwife again 4 weeks from today! If I make it to that appointment, I'll get a Doppler or an abdominal ultrasound, and, if that goes well, I will be feeling much better about this.

In other news, the guys came to start installing our fence today in our yard. I am so excited not to have to walk the dogs this winter! Especially since I'm going to be totally huge and pregnant this winter, it would be dangerous for me to risk slipping and falling on the ice!

So far, so good

The ultrasound today went very well. Baby is measuring right on track at 6w1d and with a strong heartbeat of 121 bpm!

Just as importantly, we had a very good experience with this new office. The u/s tech was very nice, understood we were nervous, and even printed out all of the information for me so I don't have to ask Mr. Rhody 101 times to remind me what the heartbeat was.

Now let's just see if we can't keep this heartbeat going for 7.5 more months, baby!

6 weeks

I had promised myself that I would celebrate every week I was pregnant this time around, so, here I am, 6 weeks! I have my first ultrasound tomorrow, so that is something to look forward to. Let's keep our fingers crossed that things look good.

I have been having heartburn like crazy and, for the past day or so, headaches. I've never really gotten headaches like this before, so it is making DH and myself a little worried, but I know it's common and I'm trying not overthink things. I am definitely not feeling as sick as I was with my second pregnancy, so that is very good.

I told myself that, in 4 weeks, we'll know where this pregnancy is going. I've never had a baby make it past 9w1d before, so, if I can do that, that will be a good sign. And that's only a few weeks away. I can make it to then without going crazy, I think.

Doctor situation sorted at least

I figured I should update after my last post. I called and begged to be seen at this other practice that Mr. Rhody knew of through a school acquaintance. I went in, saw a doctor, and decided I'd switch.

The office was nice, the staff was nice, and the doctor seemed a lot more proactive than my last practice. The doctor seemed surprised that no one had ever tested my progesterone levels or done an HSG, so he put me on Prometrium to start. I'm not too thrilled about being on the gross suppositories all day, but, eh, it's only until 12 weeks and I'm willing to try pretty much anything at this point.

The Lovenox is a no-go. Apparently they just don't do that in Rhode Island. This doctor was clear that he'd do whatever the OB Medicine practice suggested since it was outside his area of expertise. At least he was straight with me. I am still waiting on the old practice to get back to me with my OB Medicine consult, though I'm not holding my breath.

Since I'm not on Lovenox, I'm still low risk, technically, so I'm going to see the midwives at this new practice. I really do want to have as low an intervention birth as is possible, and I've felt pressured and pushed around enough recently. I really like the idea of patient-centered care.

I have seen a few people lately who are getting all excited and announcing their pregnancies around 8w. It's put me in a bit of a funk. I remember our first pregnancy--we announced to our parents between 8 and 10w. And then the second pregnancy, when we had our 8w ultrasound, I remember thinking that the odds are so good, I'm SURE it won't happen again. We lost both pregnancies at 9w1d, so here I am just hoping we get to 9w2d this time.

I'm a mess

I'm currently 5w pregnant, and I don't have a doctor.

Yesterday was awful. Horrible. If Mr. Rhody wasn't there with me, I would have thought I'd said / done something inappropriate. Having him there with me to confirm I'd done nothing wrong is the only saving grace from yesterday.

I know I'm not making sense. It's 3:30 am and I've been up for an hour. I woke up from some violent nightmares, though I don't remember what they were.

OK, let me try to start over.

In the middle of the day yesterday, I got an email from the hematologist. He forwarded me his conversation with his associate in Boston and recommended the Lovenox. Great. Fine.

So I went to this appointment with the high risk OB. Mr. Rhody and I get in there, and she starts talking to us like we're 5 years old, not like we're 2 people who have had this diagnosis for a few months and have clearly read up on it. We let her speak, and then I started asking questions. You could see that she wasn't expecting questions; she was expecting us to nod and then leave immediately.

Several things that she said were flat out wrong. One thing was that there is "no" evidence that using Lovenox results in increased positive outcomes with pregnancy. I bit my tongue and slowly said, "I will agree that the data is mixed, but I wouldn't say there is 'no' evidence." At that point, she informed me sternly that she maintained all of the protocols for the office, so she was definitely up on the literature, and she ran out of the room to find me a citation list. Of course, she couldn't find a citation list, and, when she came back to the room, Mr. Rhody handed her the definitive study that shows increased live birth rates with Lovenox. The OB scanned the paper for a minute, misread something in the Methods section (which I haltingly corrected), and then threw it back at Mr. Rhody, saying that if we didn't believe her, she would set us up a consult with the OB Medicine group.

There was more to the appointment, but, suffice it to say, were were browbeaten and I didn't get to ask any of the questions I'd wanted to ask this supposed specialist. I did hear again how hematologists have NO idea about pregnancy; it's funny, because all of the articles I've found about this mutation have been in hematology journals. It's no wonder this doctor hasn't read them then.

So we can't go back to this OB's office. We can't. My biggest nightmare right now is that we'll miscarry again before we find a new doctor. My hematologist can't start me on Lovenox until they find an OB practice willing to work with them.

I guess I'm going to spend today making phone calls, once the offices open up. I am so sick of this. I am so tired of trying out new doctors who just flip out on me once I start asking questions. Maybe it's me? I don't mean to be difficult. I just want someone who will talk to me and not tell me lies.

5 weeks today!

What a week it's been. Faithful readers may have noticed that I pushed my count back 2 more days; I decided to use LMP after all, instead of O date. We'll find out which one is closer when I have my first u/s, which is on September 29. Only one week and one day from today!!

I have another doctor's appointment this afternoon, with the high-risk doctor from my OB practice. My Rhody is coming with me, which is good, because having him there usually keeps me calmer. I don't know what we're going to talk about because I'm done hearing about how there is no evidence that these clotting mutations cause miscarriage. If the doctor wants to try just baby aspirin this time, that's fine, but don't tell me things that aren't true.

I have to say, I've been feeling pretty decent so far this pregnancy. In that way, this is much more like my first pregnancy than my second, in which I felt sick all.the.time. I am trying to convince myself that the difference is the big changes I've made to my diet (more protein, less veggies and carbs) and the fact that I've been working out, especially the yoga. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that things keep going well!

Third appointment of the week

So I had my third doctor's appointment of the week today. I met with a highly-recommended doctor today because I am considering switching practices and her name had come up repeatedly.

I won't go through everything about the appointment, but here are the high points. She thinks I want the Lovenox just because I want to do something differently with this pregnancy. She says there's no evidence that the mutations I have caused my miscarriages. She refuses to look at my research and says the studies are just not there. She said if I didn't listen to the perinatologist, there is nothing extra she can tell me. She was very nice and open when she spoke, and I know she really believed what she was said. Oh, and she seemed to think NFP was a great way to have an accidental pregnancy. She IS the only doctor that sat down with me and explained what the protocol would be if I DID push for the Lovenox, and that was helpful.

Basically, going with this new office would be about the same as staying with my current office.

Pros of this new practice: location is more convenient, doctor seems to be more willing to have a low intervention birth than my current OBs, getting away from the bad blood I have with my current practice

Cons of the new practice: starting over, no chance to deliver in the Alternative Birthing Center, basically switching one set of doctors who just think I worry too much for another set of doctors that think the same thing

I don't really know now. I am meeting with a high-risk doctor from my current OB practice on Monday, and I guess I'll decide after that. I'm not entirely sure what I'll say to her though, so I'm tired of pounding the same points over and over.

I have pretty much given up on the Lovenox thing. "It's just not done here" is what I keep hearing, so I guess I'll just be keeping my fingers crossed. Maybe I'll get lucky this time.

A glimmer of hope

So I like my hematologist.

I know I said that the last time I saw him, and then I got pregnant again and I hated him. I hated him because he'd said we'd do the Lovenox (along with my OB). I hated him because he'd never called me himself to tell me what he was thinking. Instead, he sent his nurse along with a message that he'd see me next week.

But today, he seems to have redeemed himself.

Mr. Rhody and I went to the appointment this afternoon. I had asked Mr. Rhody to come with me because of the debacle at the midwife's office last time, which had me crying for the rest of the night--and into the morning.

So the hematolgist came in and asked how things were going. I opened things up by asking him what had changed his mind--he had jumped straight to the Lovenox last time, and now was pulling back to the aspirin. He said that he had consulted with a number of doctors, my OB included. Basically, the current suggested standard of care is only the aspirin unless you've had 3 or more losses. While the hematologist conceded that if I were a member of his family, he would recommend the Lovenox, he said the data just wasn't there for him to take the liability of prescribing it to me.

As an aside, I hate that standard. I understand where it's coming from, but I already felt like my second baby was a sacrificial baby to try to figure out what was wrong. Here I am with a third baby--should this one be sacrificed as well?

Anyway, I told the hematologist that I had an article that clearly compared the aspirin and Lovenox; luckily, I had brought the article with me. (The article states success rate is 33% with aspirin and 87% with Lovenox for those with the prothrombin mutation and one past loss past 10 weeks.) Unlike the perinatologist that we saw 4 months ago, this doctor actually seemed very interested. He conceded this was compelling research that he'd never seen before.

Unfortunately, the hematologist didn't feel he was in a position to unilaterally decide one way or the other, but he did give us a promise that he was going to contact a thrombophilia specialist at a major hospital in Boston to ask his opinion. He expected to have his opinion in the next few days, then he would email it to us.

This is pretty much the best I think we can ask for at this point. To be honest, I don't want to go on the Lovenox if I can be convinced that it's not needed. Even less though, do I want to go through another miscarriage that I believed could have been prevented. At least we have people listening to us for now, looking at the research on our behalf. That seems like the best compromise to me.

Spent

So I met with a midwife today. Within my OB practice, there is a midwife practice, so I figured I'd try them out. I had been meaning to, and with the recent difficulties I've had with my OB, this seemed like a good time.

The midwife started by asking me why I was there, and I told her, in short, I had been interested in checking out the midwives because I had heard they were more patient focused there. Then she went on how that was true and OBs are focused on sick women and midwives take care of healthy women who happen to be pregnant. At the mention of sick vs. healthy women, I started falling apart. I started to wonder if this was all a mistake. After all, my body doesn't seem healthy any more.

After that, it all started tumbling out. The miscarriages. The repeat loss testing. The perinatologist appointment. The discussions about Lovenox. The hematologist appointment. The nurse yelling at me. And, finally, that I'd called my doctor yesterday at 8:30 am and that he'd never bothered to call me back. I told her how lost I'd felt, how I just wanted someone to sit and talk with me.

At this point, the midwife left the room for a bit to find and talk to one of the high-risk doctors. While she was gone, I started kicking myself. I was sure I'd said too much. Why did I lose my composure?

The midwife came back and confirmed that, for my mutations, they only recommend baby aspirin, not Lovenox. If they did do Lovenox, it would be started in the second trimester, which, of course, would have been too late for my previous losses.

The visit went on for a bit more, but it was all a blur in my mind. I have given up. I guess at this point, I can try the baby aspirin, stay away from dark leafy greens, make sure I keep working out, and drinking lots of water. If we lose this pregnancy too, then maybe it's on to adoption for us. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep fighting to stay optimistic.

I guess the good news is that as long as I'm not on Lovenox, I still qualify for a low-risk, midwife birth, provided I make it that far. And the midwife did seem to seem nice, like she cared, and she definitely listened.

I still have the hematologist appointment on Thursday. And now I have the high-risk doctor appointment on Monday. There is one question that I plan to ask at both appointments: Is there a quantitative test that we can use to track my propensity for clotting, something that if I hit a certain value, that we know that the risk is too high and then bring out the Lovenox?

This is exhausting. I am so spent. I am tired of worrying, meeting new doctors, feeling broken.

4 weeks today!

I've decided I'm celebrating every week I am pregnant, so, here I am 4 weeks. I'm going to start celebrating this pregnancy, no matter what.

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about something my priest said a week ago when I went to talk to him about the losses and getting pregnant again. He said that I had to have faith in 3 entities in this process: God, myself, and my doctor.

I have been struggling with my faith in God, but I am able to accept that bad things happen. This is not God testing me or forgetting about me. Things happen, and God is there to help and support us, but not to completely shield us. I get that. I don't like it, but I get it.

I have had a bit of a hard time having faith in my body. After all, isn't it my body that caused the first 2 miscarriages? But with getting back into shape, I have started to have faith in my body again. I feel myself getting stronger, and I know I can depend on myself.

The final part is the hardest. I would like to say I have faith in my doctors, but I can't. When I am frozen out of the process like I am now, it is hard to feel like the doctors have my best interests in line. This is why, when I was at the doctor's office for my blood draw yesterday, I stopped by the midwife's office to ask if I could talk to someone about switching. I got so emotional just asking that my voice cracked; all of the frustration and all of the fear that I've been dealing with was just so close to the surface.

My strategy is just to keep myself busy for the next 9 weeks. I am keeping up with yoga, dancing, and swimming as much as I can. I have the midwife appointment on Tuesday now and then the hematologist appointment on Thursday--finally! I picked up a book someone on the bump had recommended after my second miscarriage, "Disappointment with God", and I requested a few books on being pregnant after a miscarriage. Mr. Rhody and I have started saying a novena to St. Gerard, who is the patron saint of motherhood--including infertility and miscarriages.

The goal is just to keep taking things one day at a time.

Ahem

So after my freaking out on my last post, I continued to feel very much sick and "pregnant". My temperatures also stayed up after 10 dpo, when they usually start to fall around that time. So I hit up the Dollar Store to buy OPKs for the next cycle, and picked up some HPTs there as well.

Yesterday morning, I thought to myself, well it was only a dollar. Maybe I should re-test just in case.

And there it was, the faintest of lines. Mr. Rhody didn't see it, so I busted out a FRER, and then we confirmed, with another faint line.

That is when the "fun" began. In short, I called my OB, waited forever for a nurse to call me back, just to be yelled at for testing too early. Really? 12 dpo is early now? Of course they never ask about ovulation date or anything, just LMP, so I had already "adjusted" my LMP by 2 days, so that I seemingly did ovulated on CD 14. After being dressed down, the nurse asked me *why* I wanted betas. Lady, look at my chart. This is the third time this year I have been pregnant. My doctor and I have already discussed this, Ms. Nosy Nurse. God, I hate the staff at my OB's office. Anyway, I went in and had the blood drawn, return in 48 hours.

As for the hematologist, the guy who had previously said, "Yes, we want to put you on Lovenox when you are pregnant again," has now reneged. He talked to my OB (but no one talked to me, mind you) and sent his nurse back with the message that he will see me next Thursday and take baby aspirin. No other details.

I feel guilty. I want to be excited about this pregnancy. We worked so hard to be pregnant again. But all I feel is anxiety. And I feel ignored. I just wish someone would talk to me like a thinking adult.

I couldn't sleep this morning. Too many crazy dreams. I am locked in an offsite for work all day today, which is going to end with a surprise baby shower for my coworker. Oh, and someone brought their baby to work yesterday. As I was trying to leave, all of the women stood around cooing. One said to me, "Doesn't she make you want one?" OF COURSE I FUCKING WANT ONE; IF YOU'D ONLY KNEW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH TO GET ONE.

I am exhausted. I wish I could hide myself away from the world for the next 8 weeks.

Had a bit of a breakdown this morning

I'd let myself get my hopes up over the past few days. This being our 4th cycle trying since the last miscarriage, you would have thought I would have gotten over this. Apparently not. So I tested this morning, at 10 dpo, and it was negative. I know, I know, it's still early, I still have a good chance, etc.

But I broke down in the shower later. I can't keep doing this. I can't face yet another super-painful period. I am ready to take a break from all of this TTC and go back on the birth control just to get some relief from the seemingly-constant bleeding. Oh, but that's right, I can't go back on the pill. I'm a clotting risk.

My body can't seem to do anything right.

I know, it's only been 4 cycles. I know have been pregnant twice before. I know just need to give it time.

But I don't know how much more I can put into this process. I feel like I'm in constant pain or discomfort these days. Having a long, super-heavy period every 24 days is not cool at all. Then ovulation pain. Then I feel nauseated during most of my 2wws, until the cramping starts again.

I should call my doctor, at least about the heavy periods, but I mentioned them to the doctor long ago, and he seemed unconcerned. Mr. Rhody thinks I should see an RE. We are at a year now since we started this process, but we haven't had 6 months straight of no pregnancy yet. I have an appointment with a new OB on October 8. The way things have been going, I'll be in anoher 2ww by then. I don't know what to do.

I had a dream last night that some former friends of mine, with whom I was close to when I had my first and second losses, remembered my first EDD and emailed me. Alas, that was just a dream.

Long weekend to work on myself

I've been bad at updating again, but things have been going. Let me start with saying that it's Labor Day weekend, and I've taken today (Friday) off as well to give myself a 4-day weekend. I felt like I needed that mental break, and I'm glad I can take it.

A brief rundown on things:

• Work is still busy, but I am getting on top of things again, which is good. It helps that my boss is back, so that takes some pressure off of me.
• My chart sucks. I can't really tell when I ovulated. Fertility Friend is going with CD 12 (same as last month), but I am more partial to CD 15. Whichever it is, I'm pretty sure that I HAVE ovulated, so now I just wait and see.
• I have been feeling really down recently, so I went to see my priest today. I can't tell you anything specifically that he said, but just talking to him was reassuring. I am feeling a bit better.
• Mr. Rhody and I have been talking about adoption more and more recently, either if TTC doesn't work out or just to grow our family beyond what we can. The price and the process had me down for a while, but I recently found out that my company will reimburse up to $22k of the costs, which has me psyched.
• I don't know how much I'd discussed it on here, but I have been struggling to lose the weight from my second miscarriage still. Well, I haven't really lost any yet, but Mr. Rhody and I have been going to the local YMCA pretty religiously, and I am starting to feel a difference in myself that is promising.

So that's the basics of what's been going on. I'm supposed to be cleaning the house while I'm home today, but, as per usual, I'm being sucked into the internet. I should be able to get going soon though.

I am so relieved I could cry

To be totally honest, I did shed a tear this morning.

What made me so overjoyed? I finally had that appointment with the hematologist that my GP had recommended. I have to admit, I have been an anxious wreck for a few days about this. I was fully expecting a replay of that awful appointment with the perinatologist. I even ended up crying to Mr. Rhody last night. It didn't help that I was out of town for work the night before and basically running on empty.

But the appointment this morning was exactly what I had been looking for. The doctor didn't treat my mutations as something he'd never seen before, though he'd admitted that he wasn't as familiar with the combination and he promised to do some more research on that. We talked about the treatment for when I was pregnant and when I was not, and he said, the next time I'm pregnant, he wants to start with the 40 mg Lovenox once a day. If I end up miscarrying again--and he made sure that I knew that was a possibility--then we'd talk about going to a higher dose and twice a day. I asked him about the baby aspirin in addition, and he did say they used to believe it helped, but the newer studies are saying that it does not have any additional benefit over the Lovenox and could cause problems in the third trimester.

Meekly, towards the end of the appointment, I did admit I had a scientific background and I had been reading the literature. He surprised me by telling me that I should do that, I should be my advocate, but I should also take it with a grain of salt before actually talking it through with a professional. That's exactly what I wanted to do.

He also wants Mr. Rhody to be tested for these mutations. While homozygous MTHFR mutants are around, we've seen very little mention of homozygous prothrombin mutants in the literature. The doctor cautiously mentioned that this may be a reason for the losses as well. If Mr. Rhody is also a mutant, I don't know what we'll do, but at least we'll be armed with that information.

So he's requesting all of the labs from my OB, which he didn't have for this appointmenet since my GP had referred me. He wants to see me again in 3 weeks, sooner if I happen to be pregnant again by then. He does plan to stick around for the pregnancy, which is reassuring.

Overall, it was much better than I expected. It was the first time in a long time I felt like I was being taken seriously by a medical professional, and I appreciated that.

Something has been bugging me recently

When I found out I had these two genetic mutations--the prothrombin mutation and the MTHFR mutation--I immediately invoked my scientific training and started searching for journal articles on the topic, reading anything I could to try to understand the news I'd just been presented with.

Of course, my reading all of these articles is what caused the problem when I visited the perinatologist, who, I soon found out, was not as on top of the literature as I was and who believed these mutations were really not so much to worry about. The doctor also seemed to take it personally that I wanted to discuss the literature with him, as he'd expected this to be a one-way conversation, where he'd pat my head and reassure me that there was nothing to worry about.

It is true that some people have these mutations and have no trouble conceiving and delivering healthy babies. But it also seems to be true, from the studies that are out there, that there are people for whom these mutations cause serious problems. The distinction lies, for me, on the individual level. Yes, for some people these mutations do not have any measureable impact; for others, they have a significant and very scary deleterious effect.

Which brings me to what is bugging me today. There has been a rash of later pregnancy losses on one of the Bump boards. I don't know anything about these women, and I am not pretending to understand their highly-personal situations. But it's refocused me on a key finding that I had read in the literature: these blood clotting mutations do not only cause early miscarriages. In fact, there is significant evidence that they are implicated in second and third trimester losses, as well as significant interuterine growth retardation.

How can anyone believe these mutations are not serious when faced with the evidence? Why do doctors seem to understand so little about the field of pregnancy loss? About the field of women's health in particular?

It is for this reason that I pushed for the Lovenox for if and when I do become pregnant again. Truth be told, I am not 100% excited about having to inject myself daily. I had dreamed of this low-intervention birth, whereas the I will now be induced at 39 weeks. But when I weigh the risks, the possibilities of what could happen, I don't know how I could not take this route.

What weighs on my mind is that I had to push for this. How many other women are out there who don't have the scientific background that I do? Who don't have access to the literature? Who have no choice but to believe their doctors when told that these mutations are really no big deal? How many women go through needless suffering?

This is haunting me today.

I just about cried at work today

A coworker of mine has a 22-year-old daughter whose life is a mess. She's an alcoholic. She doesn't come home for days. She barely finished high school because of all of her issues. Yet she has two beautiful young children, 3 and 2 years old. These are the kids that she leaves with friends or family, ostensibly for a few hours, before she disappears for days, not answering her cell phone and no one knows where she is.

One of these recent disappearances just ended today. My coworker is sitting there on the phone, trying to convince her daughter to enter rehab, telling her that these two children need her and will otherwise be taken away.

The injustice of it all strikes me over and over. How is it that people who never wanted or are not ready for children can get pregnant so easily, while there are so many people who are ready, have planned their lives for this next step, who cannot have those children that they want?

I am currently reading Moloka'i, the story of a woman growing up in a leper colony on Hawaii around 1900. At one point, the main character, as a small child, asks a nun caring for her "Why does God give children leprosy?" It's a question the nun struggles with, before finally coming to a conclusion that satisfies her. The question is universal, and something I think many people struggle with. Why do bad things happen to people who don't deserve it?

In less philosophical news, the antibiotics I'm on for this suspected infection are knocking me out. Worse than the infection is the feeling of nausea and general grossness. Hopefully, I'll feel better soon. I did get an appointment with a hematologist, next Thursday, to discuss the what the RPL screening came up with. Hopefully, he will be more helpful than the perinatologist quack I saw a few months ago. Finally, a few people have recommened this new OB/gyn group to me. It's not as small as I wanted, but since a few people have recommended it highly, I thought I'd check it out. Their next appointment is for October 8, just for an "interview" to see if I want to switch. We'll see how things go by that point.

I am thinking about cutting back on the baby aspirin this cycle. It's the main difference since I was able to easily get pregnant twice, and now, I have 3 cycles with awful periods for no apparent reason. I'm also concerned about the slow temperature rise I've had after ovulation recently, when I used to have a spike. I have heard some people say that baby asipirin can impede TTC efforts, though I've read other places it can help. Who knows, but I guess I can run my own experiment. I'll start taking it again when I'm sure that I've ovulated.

Burnt out

Here I am again, CD2, and I have had a mentally exhausting past 2 days.

Yesterday, Monday, we got an email at work annoucing that our next mandatory departmental offsite was also to include a baby shower for our pregnant coworker. Nice. I guess I don't have to worry about the debate over whether or not to attend. I later found out that she and her deadbeat, unemployed husband are down to one car because his died and they don't have the money to fix it.

I am really trying not to be bitter.

I got home yesterday to another "Congratulations on your pregnancy!" packet from the local hospital. The same packet that I received a few months ago. The same hospital where both of my D&Cs were performed. Someone is not paying attention there. Mr. Rhody wants to call and yell at them, but I think I talked him out of that.

I think I have a kidney infection again. I went to the doctor's office this morning. He seemed a bit skeptical, but I told him I had had one before and had all the same symptoms, so he gave me a prescription for Cipro and took a urine sample. He said I could take the Cipro until the urine culture came back in 3 days. Oh, and since it's CD 2 he couldn't just check to see if there was blood in the urine because, chances are, there would be. The good thing about CD 2 is I don't have to worry about what drugs I can / cannot take.

But there is some good news.

We got a second dog. Everyone thinks we're crazy, but we think it's great. She's a shelter dog, like our first. It did occur to me how there are so many dogs at the shelter that you can get one for free, yet it takes tens of thousands of dollars to adopt a human baby. Hmmm. Not that human life isn't sacred, but it's a shame with little value we place on animal life.

Anyway, our new dog is a sweetie, and it's good to come home to two tails wagging at the end of the day. It sort of makes everything else that we go through more bearable. I imagine this is what it's like to come home to a child. Hopefully, I'll get to experience that soon, but, until then, I can know that I've made a difference in two lives already, even if they are "just" dogs.

Screw this TTC stuff

7 dpo and I haven't posted in a almost a week. Crazy. Well, I'm convinced I'm not pregnant this cycle. I don't know if I just don't want to get disappointed all over again or what, but I just feel "eh" about the whole thing.

I am tired of this process. I am tired of worrying about getting pregnant, worrying that I might be pregnant, worrying that that I will miscarry, worrying that I will never have a child of my own.

So I am moving on with life. I thought about giving up temping / charting, but I can't seem to do that. I like too much knowing when I ovulate. I don't really want to go back to the days of having my period surprise me a few days early. So charting is in.

But worrying is definitely out. Mr. Rhody and I went out of town for the weekend and we relaxed. We rode a cog train up Mount Washington. We had hot, completely non-procreative hotel sex. We ate sushi. We watched Harry Potter while eating ice cream in a theater that was also a diner.

I have decided that I'm going to work on me for a bit. I gained a bunch of weight with the two pregnancies that I just haven't been able to lose. I'm going to lose that weight. Mr. Rhody and I joined the neighborhood YMCA. We've taken up yoga. I am working on my lap swimming. I am not letting myself be lazy any more. I finally heard back from those mentoring people, and we are having our first meeting next week. Mr. Rhody and I are planning a cross-country trip with some friends in October.

I still hang out with my TTCAL ladies. I love keeping up with them. But I find myself having less and less to say these days.

When the time comes for a baby, IF the time comes for a baby, we will accept that child gladly. Until then, I have a life to live.

1 dpo?

Well I'm pretty sure that I ovulated yesterday, based on my temp spike this morning. I also noticed my skin was breaking out yesterday and my CM was starting to dry up. It's funny, I would never have noticed the correlation between breaking out and ovulation if it weren't for charting; now, I can see it's actually a really good indicator of ovulation day.

I told Mr. Rhody that we should still have sex tonight, just in case. In reality, I enjoy our marathon sex sessions. When we're not "trying", we tend to put off sex for lots of other things, even though we really enjoy it. It's just too easy to say, "We'll do that later."

I am a bit disappointed that, even with all of the Robitussin and grapefruit juice, I didn't have any EWCM this cycle. I did have a bunch of very slippery / watery days, so I am hoping that's enough. I am also hoping that having a real temp spike instead of a slower rise for this cycle is a good sign.

I guess we'll find out in approximately 2 weeks. Right now, I can say, whichever way it goes, I'm ok with it, but I know in a week or so, I'm going to feel differently.

Opening up ... finally

It seems that I am very bad about blogging during the first half of my cycle. I guess that's because TTC falls a bit to the back of my mind. It's not until after O, and especially the last week, that I begin to obsess.

I've been busy with work again, which has also kept my mind off of TTC. I did have to visit one of our other offices recently. I ended up taking the train home with one of my coworkers, "C", whom I like very much. She and I fell into talking about her two young children and her pregnancies. She talked about how naively sweet the pregnant coworker is, with all of her plans. C shook her head and commented, almost to herself, how she had plans too, before her kids, how life turns out so much more complicated than your plans. Then she looked directly at me and said, "I lost my first baby at 12 weeks." Her eyes watered.

Until now, I had told no one at work except my boss about my pregnancies and losses. But I earlier that day, I had decided that, if the opportunity came up, I wanted to tell this coworker. And here was that opportunity.

So I told her. I told her I had 2 losses. I told her that the pregnant coworker had tried to get me to confess pregnancy shortly becoming pregnant herself. We talked about the indignities of miscarriage, about how it's not your fault, but you're still not supposed to talk about it. We laughed, and we let the conversation comfortably weave in and out of TTC and work topics.

It was great. It was the first time I'd been able to talk to someone that openly about the miscarriages in person. There are plenty of people that I communicate with through email or message boards, but, here, a real life person that I'd have to see every day. It took a leap of faith, but it took such a burden off of my shoulders to do it.

On to a new cycle

My period showed up 2 days late, but it's done all it could do to make up for it. Like last month, it's super-heavy. Even worse than last month, there seem to be quite a few large clots. My cervix is also feeling really sore; I am assuming this is from the clots coming through. Because of the pains in my cervix, I've been sticking to pads over tampons, which just makes the whole thing that much more gross to me.

Whatever the reason this is happening, I don't like it at all. In fact, it makes me a little nervous that my last two periods have been so painful and so heavy. It makes me wonder what's going on in there. I've promised myself that if I have one more cycle like this (tons of pregnancy symptoms and then a super-heavy period) that I will call my doctor and make him check me out.

Mentally, I am moving forward. I have started looking around again for a new OB or midwife, asking around. I haven't made any decisions about moving yet, but I am getting a little sick and tired of the runaround that my current office gives. I hate the fact that the front staff intimidates me into not calling even if I'm worried about something because they put up such roadblocks.

Mr. Rhody and I also have a bit of a new plan for this month. My fertile cervical mucus was a bit lacking last month and was only present for a short time the month before, so I'm going to try taking Robitussin this month, basically with the purpose of getting the mucus flowing. Mr. Rhody is going to start taking folic acid with me, as they've done some studies that said it may increase male fertility. Not that we think he needs the help--we did get pregnant twice relatively quickly--but we're all for maximizing our chances.

Landmine

So yesterday was definitely a landmine day. July 22 was the due date of my first pregnancy; I tried my hardest not to focus on the date, but I seem to have lost that battle. Every time the date came up, my mind flew to, "I thought I'd be having a baby today."

The full force of this landmine keeps hitting me. My birthday is next week. 28 years old and no baby. I never thought I'd be in this position. 10, soon to be 11, months since started trying and no live baby in sight.

We had a 3-hour training session at work, and who sits across from me but the pregnant girl in the office. Not only is this girl pregnant, but she decided to become pregnant in January, after guessing that I was (which I refused to confirm or deny at the time). She announced to everyone at the office that she got pregnant on the first try. Just think of that, deciding to get pregnant, getting pregnant, and, hey, maybe even having her baby before I'm pregnant again--she's only got 10 more weeks to go.

Everyone at the office always feels compelled to ask this girl how it's going and ask her questions about the baby. I know my coworkers are good people and I know they mean well, but I just wish it were me they were asking. Usually, I can slip away, but when I was stuck in this training room, I had no where to run.

Once training was out, I ran to my car, just wanting to go home ... except my car wouldn't start. I recently had some work done, and I think they left some wires loose. So I sat in my super-hot car for 10 minutes, trying not to cry, until the stupid thing finally started. When it did start, one of the alarms kept going off and the dumb car "ding"ed the whole way home. Luckily I have a short commute, but I was still sobbing before I hit my driveway.

And pair this all with me waiting for my period so we can move on to the next cycle. Where is my period anyway? It's now a day late. My nipples are still killing me and I'm still feeling nauseated, but my temperature is down. I just wish my body would stop teasing me. I just wish I could stop feeling so broken.

Not pregnant

I woke up this morning to a significant temperature drop. I laid in bed for a bit, debating whether or not to test. In the end, I decided I should just test or I'd be thinking about it all day. After all, I had already bought the tests. Of course, it was negative.

I'm not super-upset about not being pregnant. Disappointed, yes, but I can be patient. What I am a little upset about is that I let myself get so carried away again. What is with my body, that my luteal phase now seems to have super-high temperatures and all of the symptoms of being pregnant? It's an awful tease.

I've decided I'm going to sign up for the mentoring program that I'd mentioned in the last post. I can't plan my life around TTC. If I do get pregnant and have to take some time off, Mr. Rhody and I will figure it out. We always do.

Tomorrow's the day!

So I'm 12 dpo today, and feeling positive. Yesterday I was convinced I was not pregnant; today I am convinced I am. And thus goes the 2-week-wait.

My temperature went down a bit this morning, but not enough to make me worry. I am feeling pretty awful right now, nausea and decently bad heartburn. I stopped on the way home from work to pick up pregnancy tests. I'm sort of embarassed to admit that I want to test right now, and it's taking some effort to wait until tomorrow morning.

In other news, an email came around at work about volunteering to mentor foster kids. I am really interested in doing this, but hesitant to sign up for anything while we are TTC, especially since the email specified they want a minimum of a year's commitment. Then again, if I keep putting things off because we are TTC or I am pregnant, I will never do anything; after all, it's already been 10 months. Mr. Rhody thinks I should go for it. I'm going to think about it a few days and make my final decision. I would really like the opportunity to make a difference for a child, especially now after all of the problems we've been having with TTC, but, at the same time, I don't want to overcommit myself.

Hope for the best; expect the worst

11 dpo today. Yesterday, the FertilityFriend software announced my chart was triphasic. My temperature today was still up, but I stupidly forgot to set my alarm last night, so today's temperature was taken an hour late, making it unreliable. I guess we'll see what tomorrow's temperature looks like.

While talking to Mr. Rhody last night, it occurred to me that I don't really want to test. In fact, I'm sort of reveling in the drama of the "2 week wait" at the moment. I don't really have to track my fertility signs, so no stress there. I don't have to worry about timing sex. In my head, I can believe I'm pregnant, but it doesn't seem to come with any of the anxiety of actually being pregnant. I'm like Schrodinger's cat, in some intermediate space between pregnant and non-pregnant with neither the disappointment nor the worry.

I did catch myself in the shower this morning calculating if I am in fact pregnant when I would miscarry again. Yes, you read that right. I wasn't thinking about the due date or any milestones. I was calculating when I would be 9 weeks along because that's the point where both of my previous pregnancies stopped developing. I was trying to think of what else would be going on then, trying to think if it would be an inconvenient time. Maybe my friend wasn't so wrong when she called me "scarred".

Happy Friday!

I woke up this morning to tell Mr. Rhody that I think I might be pregnant, but I'm still being pretty level-headed about the whole thing. I still plan to try to hold out until Tuesday to test, though I seem to have lost my Tuesday testing buddies and am looking for some other people to test "with" me.

Not much else to say. My ovaries have been causing me a whole lot of pain, mostly a burning sensation. At least I think it's my ovaries. And it switches sides. Odd.

I have been sleeping a bit better recently. I've turned up the fan in our bedroom and pulled on the covers, which seems to have struck a good balance. Oh, if only I could sleep as soundly as Mr. Rhody.

Work has still be keeping me busy, which is great, since it made this week fly by. This weekend Mr. Rhody and I just have a bunch of errands to run and things (mostly painting!) to get done around the house. I've also got, "1000 White Women: The Journals of May Dodd" to keep me busy. Hopefully my next books come to the library soon because I always need something on my bedside to keep me busy and distracted!

Time flies when you're distracted

7 dpo today, and this week has been flying by. My chart is all sorts of wonky because summer seems to finally be hitting, which means I seem to always be waking up too hot or too cold and before my alarm, making my temperatures unreliable. Today's dip was wholly unexpected, and I hope this chart doesn't start to appear as mountainous as my 4/28/09 chart, which was just crazy.

I haven't been obsessing much this month, but I still have plenty of time for that. I'm planning to test next Tuesday, July 21, with 2 other girls from The Bump. I should be 13 dpo by then, so I should get a clear positive or negative. Also, if I'm going to get my period soon, I should at least start having cramps by then. So here's hoping I can hold out.

So, about that period. My period is supposedly due next Wednesday, July 22, which, coincidentally, is the due date of my first pregnancy. I've been trying hard not to dwell on that. My goal is to focus on what is and to accept that nothing "should" have been any certain way--it is what it is. But still, there's this feeling of sadness that I can't shake; it mostly stems from my loss of innocence surrounding that first pregnancy. I was so positive then. I had such plans. I told myself that my body knew what to do and I should just relax. That first miscarriage had me so blindsided--I don't know if I'll ever be able to let down my guard again, and that makes me a little sad.

Thoughts on work and TTC

I haven't been around much recently, mostly due to the fact that I've been very busy at work. After coming back from vacation, my boss was out the subsequent week, so I had to catch up while covering for him. I've also been put in charge of a high-visibility project, become a mentor to someone else in my department, and have been working with some interns in the department to get things done. Oh, and I'm in the middle of a class right now that takes one day out of every week.

Phew.

However, while I'm going through this maelstrom of work, I'm struck by competing desires. I love being busy at work. I love being the go-to person for things. I really appreciate these high-visibility projects I've been on and I see a clear pathway for me to continue moving up. I'm good at my job, and it gives me a great sense of accomplishment.

On the other hand, I want a child so much right now, and I don't think I can keep moving at this speed once I have a child to care for. I don't know if I'll want to keep this up. When we first adopted our dog, I remember how difficult it was to leave him the first few weeks; I can't even imagine how much harder it would be with my own child.

I keep reminding myself that we will figure this out, things will work out, but on weeks like this, when I am fully and happily buried with work, I can't help but think about how my life will change once we finally do have a child (or 2 or 3 ...).

Right now, it's one thing at a time. If balancing work and family is the largest hurdle in my future, then I will be a happy person.

But that doesn't mean I'll stop thinking about it.

We're back!

Mr. Rhody and I are back from our little "vacation". We spent the past week visiting his parents, who live pretty far from us and basically in the middle of nowhere. It was nice to see everyone, but we are very happy to be home again. I am off from work for the rest of the week, and I have a list a mile long of things to get done. So far today, I have spent the morning unpacking, doing laundry, and cleaning the first floor of my house. Phew.

But this is a TTC blog, so what of that? Well, I am officially not pregnant. After having crazy symptoms for a week and feeling incredibly sick for the ride to the middle of nowhere, I was greated by the worst period I've had since I was a teenager: disabling cramps and flow so heavy I'd soak a super-absorbant tampon in under 2 hours. Actually the period started with clots before moving to the heavy flow, which left Mr. Rhody and me wondering if those crazy symptoms I had had anything to do with it.

Whatever it was, it's mostly over now and Mr. Rhody and I are ready to TTC with renewed energy this month. After all, the fun part of TTC is just around the corner. ;)

While on vacation, we also took an hour drive out to "somewhere" to visit some friends from college and their new 5-week old baby. After many comments of, "You look so natural," "I can just see you guys as parents!" "When are you guys planning to start a family?" I ended up breaking down on the way home. It's so much harder facing the reality of the miscarriages when we are in a family environment. I ache for a family of my own, and I know Mr. Rhody does as well. One way or another, we've promised each other that we're going to get there.