4 weeks today!

I've decided I'm celebrating every week I am pregnant, so, here I am 4 weeks. I'm going to start celebrating this pregnancy, no matter what.

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about something my priest said a week ago when I went to talk to him about the losses and getting pregnant again. He said that I had to have faith in 3 entities in this process: God, myself, and my doctor.

I have been struggling with my faith in God, but I am able to accept that bad things happen. This is not God testing me or forgetting about me. Things happen, and God is there to help and support us, but not to completely shield us. I get that. I don't like it, but I get it.

I have had a bit of a hard time having faith in my body. After all, isn't it my body that caused the first 2 miscarriages? But with getting back into shape, I have started to have faith in my body again. I feel myself getting stronger, and I know I can depend on myself.

The final part is the hardest. I would like to say I have faith in my doctors, but I can't. When I am frozen out of the process like I am now, it is hard to feel like the doctors have my best interests in line. This is why, when I was at the doctor's office for my blood draw yesterday, I stopped by the midwife's office to ask if I could talk to someone about switching. I got so emotional just asking that my voice cracked; all of the frustration and all of the fear that I've been dealing with was just so close to the surface.

My strategy is just to keep myself busy for the next 9 weeks. I am keeping up with yoga, dancing, and swimming as much as I can. I have the midwife appointment on Tuesday now and then the hematologist appointment on Thursday--finally! I picked up a book someone on the bump had recommended after my second miscarriage, "Disappointment with God", and I requested a few books on being pregnant after a miscarriage. Mr. Rhody and I have started saying a novena to St. Gerard, who is the patron saint of motherhood--including infertility and miscarriages.

The goal is just to keep taking things one day at a time.