Spent

So I met with a midwife today. Within my OB practice, there is a midwife practice, so I figured I'd try them out. I had been meaning to, and with the recent difficulties I've had with my OB, this seemed like a good time.

The midwife started by asking me why I was there, and I told her, in short, I had been interested in checking out the midwives because I had heard they were more patient focused there. Then she went on how that was true and OBs are focused on sick women and midwives take care of healthy women who happen to be pregnant. At the mention of sick vs. healthy women, I started falling apart. I started to wonder if this was all a mistake. After all, my body doesn't seem healthy any more.

After that, it all started tumbling out. The miscarriages. The repeat loss testing. The perinatologist appointment. The discussions about Lovenox. The hematologist appointment. The nurse yelling at me. And, finally, that I'd called my doctor yesterday at 8:30 am and that he'd never bothered to call me back. I told her how lost I'd felt, how I just wanted someone to sit and talk with me.

At this point, the midwife left the room for a bit to find and talk to one of the high-risk doctors. While she was gone, I started kicking myself. I was sure I'd said too much. Why did I lose my composure?

The midwife came back and confirmed that, for my mutations, they only recommend baby aspirin, not Lovenox. If they did do Lovenox, it would be started in the second trimester, which, of course, would have been too late for my previous losses.

The visit went on for a bit more, but it was all a blur in my mind. I have given up. I guess at this point, I can try the baby aspirin, stay away from dark leafy greens, make sure I keep working out, and drinking lots of water. If we lose this pregnancy too, then maybe it's on to adoption for us. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep fighting to stay optimistic.

I guess the good news is that as long as I'm not on Lovenox, I still qualify for a low-risk, midwife birth, provided I make it that far. And the midwife did seem to seem nice, like she cared, and she definitely listened.

I still have the hematologist appointment on Thursday. And now I have the high-risk doctor appointment on Monday. There is one question that I plan to ask at both appointments: Is there a quantitative test that we can use to track my propensity for clotting, something that if I hit a certain value, that we know that the risk is too high and then bring out the Lovenox?

This is exhausting. I am so spent. I am tired of worrying, meeting new doctors, feeling broken.