12 weeks ... and 12 months

12 weeks today, and I'm feeling great! Things are going so well that, at Mr. Rhody's urging, I have decided to let the cat out of the bag this week. I had originally planned to wait for Thanksgiving and the week after, but my body seems to have other ideas. I'll have to start posting pictures soon, but, when I wear maternity pants, I have a serious baby belly these days! I'm so surprised, and I had thought I wouldn't get anything like that for a few more weeks. I'm not complaining though, I am enjoying every minute of this.

Some people might even say I'm in the second trimester as of this morning. In fact, Mr. Rhody and my mother have already said so. Mr. Rhody and I got to hear the baby's heartbeat this morning, so I am feeling very optimistic. Physically, I'm still feeling very tired and a bit sore, but great other than that. I told my mother this weekend that I was tired all of the time recently, to which she replied, "Just wait until you have to go home to nap in the middle of the day!" Thanks, mom. It's good to know that she's thinking of me though.

On the other side of things, 12 months ago today I got my first positive pregnancy test. I can't believe it's only been a year; so much has happened in the past 12 months. When we started this journey, I expected it to take a few months to get me pregnant, but I never expected to lose a baby--and most certainly not two of them! One of the saddest things that's happened in this past year is that I lost a very good friend, someone that I'd considered one of my best friends, because she had a hard time dealing with my losses. I miss her every day, but I know she had to do what she needed to do for herself. Instead, I've met and surrounded myself with so many wonderful, supportive women. I love that I have this group to share my every day with; I love that they seem to "get" me.

Today, I know so much more about my body than I did 12 months ago, from reading cervical fluid to the smallest genetic details. While I'm sad that two lives were lost on our journey to get here, I see this as a journey of discovery, and I know that each of those two babies contributed in their little way. I love and appreciate my body more every day. I love and appreciate this baby growing within me more than I ever knew that was possible. While I miss the two that I've lost, I am looking forward to meeting this child in 6 more months. Baby Rhody is my constant reminder that we can both respect the past and continue moving forward.

Landmine

So yesterday was definitely a landmine day. July 22 was the due date of my first pregnancy; I tried my hardest not to focus on the date, but I seem to have lost that battle. Every time the date came up, my mind flew to, "I thought I'd be having a baby today."

The full force of this landmine keeps hitting me. My birthday is next week. 28 years old and no baby. I never thought I'd be in this position. 10, soon to be 11, months since started trying and no live baby in sight.

We had a 3-hour training session at work, and who sits across from me but the pregnant girl in the office. Not only is this girl pregnant, but she decided to become pregnant in January, after guessing that I was (which I refused to confirm or deny at the time). She announced to everyone at the office that she got pregnant on the first try. Just think of that, deciding to get pregnant, getting pregnant, and, hey, maybe even having her baby before I'm pregnant again--she's only got 10 more weeks to go.

Everyone at the office always feels compelled to ask this girl how it's going and ask her questions about the baby. I know my coworkers are good people and I know they mean well, but I just wish it were me they were asking. Usually, I can slip away, but when I was stuck in this training room, I had no where to run.

Once training was out, I ran to my car, just wanting to go home ... except my car wouldn't start. I recently had some work done, and I think they left some wires loose. So I sat in my super-hot car for 10 minutes, trying not to cry, until the stupid thing finally started. When it did start, one of the alarms kept going off and the dumb car "ding"ed the whole way home. Luckily I have a short commute, but I was still sobbing before I hit my driveway.

And pair this all with me waiting for my period so we can move on to the next cycle. Where is my period anyway? It's now a day late. My nipples are still killing me and I'm still feeling nauseated, but my temperature is down. I just wish my body would stop teasing me. I just wish I could stop feeling so broken.

Time flies when you're distracted

7 dpo today, and this week has been flying by. My chart is all sorts of wonky because summer seems to finally be hitting, which means I seem to always be waking up too hot or too cold and before my alarm, making my temperatures unreliable. Today's dip was wholly unexpected, and I hope this chart doesn't start to appear as mountainous as my 4/28/09 chart, which was just crazy.

I haven't been obsessing much this month, but I still have plenty of time for that. I'm planning to test next Tuesday, July 21, with 2 other girls from The Bump. I should be 13 dpo by then, so I should get a clear positive or negative. Also, if I'm going to get my period soon, I should at least start having cramps by then. So here's hoping I can hold out.

So, about that period. My period is supposedly due next Wednesday, July 22, which, coincidentally, is the due date of my first pregnancy. I've been trying hard not to dwell on that. My goal is to focus on what is and to accept that nothing "should" have been any certain way--it is what it is. But still, there's this feeling of sadness that I can't shake; it mostly stems from my loss of innocence surrounding that first pregnancy. I was so positive then. I had such plans. I told myself that my body knew what to do and I should just relax. That first miscarriage had me so blindsided--I don't know if I'll ever be able to let down my guard again, and that makes me a little sad.