Landmine

So yesterday was definitely a landmine day. July 22 was the due date of my first pregnancy; I tried my hardest not to focus on the date, but I seem to have lost that battle. Every time the date came up, my mind flew to, "I thought I'd be having a baby today."

The full force of this landmine keeps hitting me. My birthday is next week. 28 years old and no baby. I never thought I'd be in this position. 10, soon to be 11, months since started trying and no live baby in sight.

We had a 3-hour training session at work, and who sits across from me but the pregnant girl in the office. Not only is this girl pregnant, but she decided to become pregnant in January, after guessing that I was (which I refused to confirm or deny at the time). She announced to everyone at the office that she got pregnant on the first try. Just think of that, deciding to get pregnant, getting pregnant, and, hey, maybe even having her baby before I'm pregnant again--she's only got 10 more weeks to go.

Everyone at the office always feels compelled to ask this girl how it's going and ask her questions about the baby. I know my coworkers are good people and I know they mean well, but I just wish it were me they were asking. Usually, I can slip away, but when I was stuck in this training room, I had no where to run.

Once training was out, I ran to my car, just wanting to go home ... except my car wouldn't start. I recently had some work done, and I think they left some wires loose. So I sat in my super-hot car for 10 minutes, trying not to cry, until the stupid thing finally started. When it did start, one of the alarms kept going off and the dumb car "ding"ed the whole way home. Luckily I have a short commute, but I was still sobbing before I hit my driveway.

And pair this all with me waiting for my period so we can move on to the next cycle. Where is my period anyway? It's now a day late. My nipples are still killing me and I'm still feeling nauseated, but my temperature is down. I just wish my body would stop teasing me. I just wish I could stop feeling so broken.