Had a bit of a breakdown this morning

I'd let myself get my hopes up over the past few days. This being our 4th cycle trying since the last miscarriage, you would have thought I would have gotten over this. Apparently not. So I tested this morning, at 10 dpo, and it was negative. I know, I know, it's still early, I still have a good chance, etc.

But I broke down in the shower later. I can't keep doing this. I can't face yet another super-painful period. I am ready to take a break from all of this TTC and go back on the birth control just to get some relief from the seemingly-constant bleeding. Oh, but that's right, I can't go back on the pill. I'm a clotting risk.

My body can't seem to do anything right.

I know, it's only been 4 cycles. I know have been pregnant twice before. I know just need to give it time.

But I don't know how much more I can put into this process. I feel like I'm in constant pain or discomfort these days. Having a long, super-heavy period every 24 days is not cool at all. Then ovulation pain. Then I feel nauseated during most of my 2wws, until the cramping starts again.

I should call my doctor, at least about the heavy periods, but I mentioned them to the doctor long ago, and he seemed unconcerned. Mr. Rhody thinks I should see an RE. We are at a year now since we started this process, but we haven't had 6 months straight of no pregnancy yet. I have an appointment with a new OB on October 8. The way things have been going, I'll be in anoher 2ww by then. I don't know what to do.

I had a dream last night that some former friends of mine, with whom I was close to when I had my first and second losses, remembered my first EDD and emailed me. Alas, that was just a dream.

Long weekend to work on myself

I've been bad at updating again, but things have been going. Let me start with saying that it's Labor Day weekend, and I've taken today (Friday) off as well to give myself a 4-day weekend. I felt like I needed that mental break, and I'm glad I can take it.

A brief rundown on things:

• Work is still busy, but I am getting on top of things again, which is good. It helps that my boss is back, so that takes some pressure off of me.
• My chart sucks. I can't really tell when I ovulated. Fertility Friend is going with CD 12 (same as last month), but I am more partial to CD 15. Whichever it is, I'm pretty sure that I HAVE ovulated, so now I just wait and see.
• I have been feeling really down recently, so I went to see my priest today. I can't tell you anything specifically that he said, but just talking to him was reassuring. I am feeling a bit better.
• Mr. Rhody and I have been talking about adoption more and more recently, either if TTC doesn't work out or just to grow our family beyond what we can. The price and the process had me down for a while, but I recently found out that my company will reimburse up to $22k of the costs, which has me psyched.
• I don't know how much I'd discussed it on here, but I have been struggling to lose the weight from my second miscarriage still. Well, I haven't really lost any yet, but Mr. Rhody and I have been going to the local YMCA pretty religiously, and I am starting to feel a difference in myself that is promising.

So that's the basics of what's been going on. I'm supposed to be cleaning the house while I'm home today, but, as per usual, I'm being sucked into the internet. I should be able to get going soon though.

Screw this TTC stuff

7 dpo and I haven't posted in a almost a week. Crazy. Well, I'm convinced I'm not pregnant this cycle. I don't know if I just don't want to get disappointed all over again or what, but I just feel "eh" about the whole thing.

I am tired of this process. I am tired of worrying about getting pregnant, worrying that I might be pregnant, worrying that that I will miscarry, worrying that I will never have a child of my own.

So I am moving on with life. I thought about giving up temping / charting, but I can't seem to do that. I like too much knowing when I ovulate. I don't really want to go back to the days of having my period surprise me a few days early. So charting is in.

But worrying is definitely out. Mr. Rhody and I went out of town for the weekend and we relaxed. We rode a cog train up Mount Washington. We had hot, completely non-procreative hotel sex. We ate sushi. We watched Harry Potter while eating ice cream in a theater that was also a diner.

I have decided that I'm going to work on me for a bit. I gained a bunch of weight with the two pregnancies that I just haven't been able to lose. I'm going to lose that weight. Mr. Rhody and I joined the neighborhood YMCA. We've taken up yoga. I am working on my lap swimming. I am not letting myself be lazy any more. I finally heard back from those mentoring people, and we are having our first meeting next week. Mr. Rhody and I are planning a cross-country trip with some friends in October.

I still hang out with my TTCAL ladies. I love keeping up with them. But I find myself having less and less to say these days.

When the time comes for a baby, IF the time comes for a baby, we will accept that child gladly. Until then, I have a life to live.

Not pregnant

I woke up this morning to a significant temperature drop. I laid in bed for a bit, debating whether or not to test. In the end, I decided I should just test or I'd be thinking about it all day. After all, I had already bought the tests. Of course, it was negative.

I'm not super-upset about not being pregnant. Disappointed, yes, but I can be patient. What I am a little upset about is that I let myself get so carried away again. What is with my body, that my luteal phase now seems to have super-high temperatures and all of the symptoms of being pregnant? It's an awful tease.

I've decided I'm going to sign up for the mentoring program that I'd mentioned in the last post. I can't plan my life around TTC. If I do get pregnant and have to take some time off, Mr. Rhody and I will figure it out. We always do.

Tomorrow's the day!

So I'm 12 dpo today, and feeling positive. Yesterday I was convinced I was not pregnant; today I am convinced I am. And thus goes the 2-week-wait.

My temperature went down a bit this morning, but not enough to make me worry. I am feeling pretty awful right now, nausea and decently bad heartburn. I stopped on the way home from work to pick up pregnancy tests. I'm sort of embarassed to admit that I want to test right now, and it's taking some effort to wait until tomorrow morning.

In other news, an email came around at work about volunteering to mentor foster kids. I am really interested in doing this, but hesitant to sign up for anything while we are TTC, especially since the email specified they want a minimum of a year's commitment. Then again, if I keep putting things off because we are TTC or I am pregnant, I will never do anything; after all, it's already been 10 months. Mr. Rhody thinks I should go for it. I'm going to think about it a few days and make my final decision. I would really like the opportunity to make a difference for a child, especially now after all of the problems we've been having with TTC, but, at the same time, I don't want to overcommit myself.

Hope for the best; expect the worst

11 dpo today. Yesterday, the FertilityFriend software announced my chart was triphasic. My temperature today was still up, but I stupidly forgot to set my alarm last night, so today's temperature was taken an hour late, making it unreliable. I guess we'll see what tomorrow's temperature looks like.

While talking to Mr. Rhody last night, it occurred to me that I don't really want to test. In fact, I'm sort of reveling in the drama of the "2 week wait" at the moment. I don't really have to track my fertility signs, so no stress there. I don't have to worry about timing sex. In my head, I can believe I'm pregnant, but it doesn't seem to come with any of the anxiety of actually being pregnant. I'm like Schrodinger's cat, in some intermediate space between pregnant and non-pregnant with neither the disappointment nor the worry.

I did catch myself in the shower this morning calculating if I am in fact pregnant when I would miscarry again. Yes, you read that right. I wasn't thinking about the due date or any milestones. I was calculating when I would be 9 weeks along because that's the point where both of my previous pregnancies stopped developing. I was trying to think of what else would be going on then, trying to think if it would be an inconvenient time. Maybe my friend wasn't so wrong when she called me "scarred".

Happy Friday!

I woke up this morning to tell Mr. Rhody that I think I might be pregnant, but I'm still being pretty level-headed about the whole thing. I still plan to try to hold out until Tuesday to test, though I seem to have lost my Tuesday testing buddies and am looking for some other people to test "with" me.

Not much else to say. My ovaries have been causing me a whole lot of pain, mostly a burning sensation. At least I think it's my ovaries. And it switches sides. Odd.

I have been sleeping a bit better recently. I've turned up the fan in our bedroom and pulled on the covers, which seems to have struck a good balance. Oh, if only I could sleep as soundly as Mr. Rhody.

Work has still be keeping me busy, which is great, since it made this week fly by. This weekend Mr. Rhody and I just have a bunch of errands to run and things (mostly painting!) to get done around the house. I've also got, "1000 White Women: The Journals of May Dodd" to keep me busy. Hopefully my next books come to the library soon because I always need something on my bedside to keep me busy and distracted!

Time flies when you're distracted

7 dpo today, and this week has been flying by. My chart is all sorts of wonky because summer seems to finally be hitting, which means I seem to always be waking up too hot or too cold and before my alarm, making my temperatures unreliable. Today's dip was wholly unexpected, and I hope this chart doesn't start to appear as mountainous as my 4/28/09 chart, which was just crazy.

I haven't been obsessing much this month, but I still have plenty of time for that. I'm planning to test next Tuesday, July 21, with 2 other girls from The Bump. I should be 13 dpo by then, so I should get a clear positive or negative. Also, if I'm going to get my period soon, I should at least start having cramps by then. So here's hoping I can hold out.

So, about that period. My period is supposedly due next Wednesday, July 22, which, coincidentally, is the due date of my first pregnancy. I've been trying hard not to dwell on that. My goal is to focus on what is and to accept that nothing "should" have been any certain way--it is what it is. But still, there's this feeling of sadness that I can't shake; it mostly stems from my loss of innocence surrounding that first pregnancy. I was so positive then. I had such plans. I told myself that my body knew what to do and I should just relax. That first miscarriage had me so blindsided--I don't know if I'll ever be able to let down my guard again, and that makes me a little sad.

9 dpo

I'm 9 days post ovulation, and I'm pretty proud of myself that I haven't tested yet. I've been tempted. First, I found that I have 3 tests in the house, leftover from last time: a CVS test which I expect not to work because the other two in the package didn't, a super-sensitive First Response Early Response, and a pretty sensitive First Response Digital.

They are calling my name. I have managed to resist thus far.

The truth is, I'm actually petrified to be pregnant again, along with those hopes and fears. Yesterday, Mr. Rhody and I were in the car, and I actually started crying because I am so frustrated with this process. This is not how baby making is supposed to be! Oh, sure, I always knew that childbirth was dangerous, but, somehow, I never thought it would be this hard to get there. I live in fear of needing another D&C.

My "phantom" symptoms have been getting stronger. I was nauseated when I fell asleep last night, and I woke up nauseated this morning. I was so hungry all day yesterday that I ended up eating all manner of foods. I woke up 3 minutes before my 5 am alarm this morning, and my temperatures are still up. I've taken to singing the Pepto Bismol song in my head because that's how I feel--though, of course, I haven't taken any actual Pepto.

The plan is still to test on Tuesday morning, unless I give in first and test tomorrow morning. My last positive came at 10 dpo, so it's not unwarranted, and I remember feeling like this as well. But I keep asking myself, what good will come of testing? Either I'm pregnant or not, and that little stick is not going to change that. The only importance is making sure I have that Lovenox on hand before we leave for vacation.

Luckily, I have recently found that you can play SimCity Classic online for free, so that helps to kill time and keep me distracted these days.

Phantom Symptoms

The phantom symptoms started yesterday, at 6 dpo. I have been on edge, irritable, but maybe that woman at work really was difficult and my irritability was warranted. Last night, I was hungry but nothing sounded good, but Mr. Rhody felt the same way and he's certainly not pregnant. I was exhausted yesterday, but maybe it was just a hard day at the office. And then today I can't sleep, but maybe that's just because I'm so excited over my temp rise. Heartburn, gassy-ness, cramps--there has to be another reason for them all.

Hmph.

I told Mr. Rhody last night that the phantom symptoms had started, and I was scared. I am scared that these things are all in my head and I'm making myself crazy. I am scared to be pregnant again and start this Lovenox therapy and scared of the possibility of another miscarriage, another D&C. At the same time, I hope I'm pregnant, because we want a child so very much and we just have to keep trying until we get there.

We're going on vacation for a week on Wednesday, so I'm planning on testing on Tuesday morning at 11 dpo so I can get the doctor's office to call in the prescription for he Lovenox before we leave. Tuesday seems so soon, and I worry about it being too early, but I promised myself I'd see how I felt and figure it out then.

2 days ago, I was feeling nothing, and, had you asked me, I would have swore this cycle was a bust. Now, I'm not so sure.

2 dpo

I'm 2 days post ovulation today. It won't be official until my 3rd high temperature tomorrow, but, yesterday, I'd already forced the FertilityFriend software to declare I'd ovulated. I guess I'm getting better at figuring out my body, though I have to admit I expected to ovulate earlier this month with all of the ovulation pains I was having.

We've done what we can, and now we just have to wait. We were supposed to be taking it easy and just letting things happen this month, which maybe we didn't do as well as we could. To be honest, I am much more relaxed than the last time we TTC'd--that time I wouldn't touch a cup of coffee for fear it would hurt my chances. As relaxed as I'm trying to stay, I know I'll still be a bit disappointed if I'm not pregnant this month.

Mr. Rhody and I are going to be on vacation at his parents' house when my period is due this month. I'm not sure if that's better or worse than being home. Hopefully, it will distract me, no matter what the results are!