I'm a mess

I'm currently 5w pregnant, and I don't have a doctor.

Yesterday was awful. Horrible. If Mr. Rhody wasn't there with me, I would have thought I'd said / done something inappropriate. Having him there with me to confirm I'd done nothing wrong is the only saving grace from yesterday.

I know I'm not making sense. It's 3:30 am and I've been up for an hour. I woke up from some violent nightmares, though I don't remember what they were.

OK, let me try to start over.

In the middle of the day yesterday, I got an email from the hematologist. He forwarded me his conversation with his associate in Boston and recommended the Lovenox. Great. Fine.

So I went to this appointment with the high risk OB. Mr. Rhody and I get in there, and she starts talking to us like we're 5 years old, not like we're 2 people who have had this diagnosis for a few months and have clearly read up on it. We let her speak, and then I started asking questions. You could see that she wasn't expecting questions; she was expecting us to nod and then leave immediately.

Several things that she said were flat out wrong. One thing was that there is "no" evidence that using Lovenox results in increased positive outcomes with pregnancy. I bit my tongue and slowly said, "I will agree that the data is mixed, but I wouldn't say there is 'no' evidence." At that point, she informed me sternly that she maintained all of the protocols for the office, so she was definitely up on the literature, and she ran out of the room to find me a citation list. Of course, she couldn't find a citation list, and, when she came back to the room, Mr. Rhody handed her the definitive study that shows increased live birth rates with Lovenox. The OB scanned the paper for a minute, misread something in the Methods section (which I haltingly corrected), and then threw it back at Mr. Rhody, saying that if we didn't believe her, she would set us up a consult with the OB Medicine group.

There was more to the appointment, but, suffice it to say, were were browbeaten and I didn't get to ask any of the questions I'd wanted to ask this supposed specialist. I did hear again how hematologists have NO idea about pregnancy; it's funny, because all of the articles I've found about this mutation have been in hematology journals. It's no wonder this doctor hasn't read them then.

So we can't go back to this OB's office. We can't. My biggest nightmare right now is that we'll miscarry again before we find a new doctor. My hematologist can't start me on Lovenox until they find an OB practice willing to work with them.

I guess I'm going to spend today making phone calls, once the offices open up. I am so sick of this. I am so tired of trying out new doctors who just flip out on me once I start asking questions. Maybe it's me? I don't mean to be difficult. I just want someone who will talk to me and not tell me lies.