Opening up ... finally

It seems that I am very bad about blogging during the first half of my cycle. I guess that's because TTC falls a bit to the back of my mind. It's not until after O, and especially the last week, that I begin to obsess.

I've been busy with work again, which has also kept my mind off of TTC. I did have to visit one of our other offices recently. I ended up taking the train home with one of my coworkers, "C", whom I like very much. She and I fell into talking about her two young children and her pregnancies. She talked about how naively sweet the pregnant coworker is, with all of her plans. C shook her head and commented, almost to herself, how she had plans too, before her kids, how life turns out so much more complicated than your plans. Then she looked directly at me and said, "I lost my first baby at 12 weeks." Her eyes watered.

Until now, I had told no one at work except my boss about my pregnancies and losses. But I earlier that day, I had decided that, if the opportunity came up, I wanted to tell this coworker. And here was that opportunity.

So I told her. I told her I had 2 losses. I told her that the pregnant coworker had tried to get me to confess pregnancy shortly becoming pregnant herself. We talked about the indignities of miscarriage, about how it's not your fault, but you're still not supposed to talk about it. We laughed, and we let the conversation comfortably weave in and out of TTC and work topics.

It was great. It was the first time I'd been able to talk to someone that openly about the miscarriages in person. There are plenty of people that I communicate with through email or message boards, but, here, a real life person that I'd have to see every day. It took a leap of faith, but it took such a burden off of my shoulders to do it.

On to a new cycle

My period showed up 2 days late, but it's done all it could do to make up for it. Like last month, it's super-heavy. Even worse than last month, there seem to be quite a few large clots. My cervix is also feeling really sore; I am assuming this is from the clots coming through. Because of the pains in my cervix, I've been sticking to pads over tampons, which just makes the whole thing that much more gross to me.

Whatever the reason this is happening, I don't like it at all. In fact, it makes me a little nervous that my last two periods have been so painful and so heavy. It makes me wonder what's going on in there. I've promised myself that if I have one more cycle like this (tons of pregnancy symptoms and then a super-heavy period) that I will call my doctor and make him check me out.

Mentally, I am moving forward. I have started looking around again for a new OB or midwife, asking around. I haven't made any decisions about moving yet, but I am getting a little sick and tired of the runaround that my current office gives. I hate the fact that the front staff intimidates me into not calling even if I'm worried about something because they put up such roadblocks.

Mr. Rhody and I also have a bit of a new plan for this month. My fertile cervical mucus was a bit lacking last month and was only present for a short time the month before, so I'm going to try taking Robitussin this month, basically with the purpose of getting the mucus flowing. Mr. Rhody is going to start taking folic acid with me, as they've done some studies that said it may increase male fertility. Not that we think he needs the help--we did get pregnant twice relatively quickly--but we're all for maximizing our chances.

Landmine

So yesterday was definitely a landmine day. July 22 was the due date of my first pregnancy; I tried my hardest not to focus on the date, but I seem to have lost that battle. Every time the date came up, my mind flew to, "I thought I'd be having a baby today."

The full force of this landmine keeps hitting me. My birthday is next week. 28 years old and no baby. I never thought I'd be in this position. 10, soon to be 11, months since started trying and no live baby in sight.

We had a 3-hour training session at work, and who sits across from me but the pregnant girl in the office. Not only is this girl pregnant, but she decided to become pregnant in January, after guessing that I was (which I refused to confirm or deny at the time). She announced to everyone at the office that she got pregnant on the first try. Just think of that, deciding to get pregnant, getting pregnant, and, hey, maybe even having her baby before I'm pregnant again--she's only got 10 more weeks to go.

Everyone at the office always feels compelled to ask this girl how it's going and ask her questions about the baby. I know my coworkers are good people and I know they mean well, but I just wish it were me they were asking. Usually, I can slip away, but when I was stuck in this training room, I had no where to run.

Once training was out, I ran to my car, just wanting to go home ... except my car wouldn't start. I recently had some work done, and I think they left some wires loose. So I sat in my super-hot car for 10 minutes, trying not to cry, until the stupid thing finally started. When it did start, one of the alarms kept going off and the dumb car "ding"ed the whole way home. Luckily I have a short commute, but I was still sobbing before I hit my driveway.

And pair this all with me waiting for my period so we can move on to the next cycle. Where is my period anyway? It's now a day late. My nipples are still killing me and I'm still feeling nauseated, but my temperature is down. I just wish my body would stop teasing me. I just wish I could stop feeling so broken.

Not pregnant

I woke up this morning to a significant temperature drop. I laid in bed for a bit, debating whether or not to test. In the end, I decided I should just test or I'd be thinking about it all day. After all, I had already bought the tests. Of course, it was negative.

I'm not super-upset about not being pregnant. Disappointed, yes, but I can be patient. What I am a little upset about is that I let myself get so carried away again. What is with my body, that my luteal phase now seems to have super-high temperatures and all of the symptoms of being pregnant? It's an awful tease.

I've decided I'm going to sign up for the mentoring program that I'd mentioned in the last post. I can't plan my life around TTC. If I do get pregnant and have to take some time off, Mr. Rhody and I will figure it out. We always do.

Tomorrow's the day!

So I'm 12 dpo today, and feeling positive. Yesterday I was convinced I was not pregnant; today I am convinced I am. And thus goes the 2-week-wait.

My temperature went down a bit this morning, but not enough to make me worry. I am feeling pretty awful right now, nausea and decently bad heartburn. I stopped on the way home from work to pick up pregnancy tests. I'm sort of embarassed to admit that I want to test right now, and it's taking some effort to wait until tomorrow morning.

In other news, an email came around at work about volunteering to mentor foster kids. I am really interested in doing this, but hesitant to sign up for anything while we are TTC, especially since the email specified they want a minimum of a year's commitment. Then again, if I keep putting things off because we are TTC or I am pregnant, I will never do anything; after all, it's already been 10 months. Mr. Rhody thinks I should go for it. I'm going to think about it a few days and make my final decision. I would really like the opportunity to make a difference for a child, especially now after all of the problems we've been having with TTC, but, at the same time, I don't want to overcommit myself.

Hope for the best; expect the worst

11 dpo today. Yesterday, the FertilityFriend software announced my chart was triphasic. My temperature today was still up, but I stupidly forgot to set my alarm last night, so today's temperature was taken an hour late, making it unreliable. I guess we'll see what tomorrow's temperature looks like.

While talking to Mr. Rhody last night, it occurred to me that I don't really want to test. In fact, I'm sort of reveling in the drama of the "2 week wait" at the moment. I don't really have to track my fertility signs, so no stress there. I don't have to worry about timing sex. In my head, I can believe I'm pregnant, but it doesn't seem to come with any of the anxiety of actually being pregnant. I'm like Schrodinger's cat, in some intermediate space between pregnant and non-pregnant with neither the disappointment nor the worry.

I did catch myself in the shower this morning calculating if I am in fact pregnant when I would miscarry again. Yes, you read that right. I wasn't thinking about the due date or any milestones. I was calculating when I would be 9 weeks along because that's the point where both of my previous pregnancies stopped developing. I was trying to think of what else would be going on then, trying to think if it would be an inconvenient time. Maybe my friend wasn't so wrong when she called me "scarred".

Happy Friday!

I woke up this morning to tell Mr. Rhody that I think I might be pregnant, but I'm still being pretty level-headed about the whole thing. I still plan to try to hold out until Tuesday to test, though I seem to have lost my Tuesday testing buddies and am looking for some other people to test "with" me.

Not much else to say. My ovaries have been causing me a whole lot of pain, mostly a burning sensation. At least I think it's my ovaries. And it switches sides. Odd.

I have been sleeping a bit better recently. I've turned up the fan in our bedroom and pulled on the covers, which seems to have struck a good balance. Oh, if only I could sleep as soundly as Mr. Rhody.

Work has still be keeping me busy, which is great, since it made this week fly by. This weekend Mr. Rhody and I just have a bunch of errands to run and things (mostly painting!) to get done around the house. I've also got, "1000 White Women: The Journals of May Dodd" to keep me busy. Hopefully my next books come to the library soon because I always need something on my bedside to keep me busy and distracted!

Time flies when you're distracted

7 dpo today, and this week has been flying by. My chart is all sorts of wonky because summer seems to finally be hitting, which means I seem to always be waking up too hot or too cold and before my alarm, making my temperatures unreliable. Today's dip was wholly unexpected, and I hope this chart doesn't start to appear as mountainous as my 4/28/09 chart, which was just crazy.

I haven't been obsessing much this month, but I still have plenty of time for that. I'm planning to test next Tuesday, July 21, with 2 other girls from The Bump. I should be 13 dpo by then, so I should get a clear positive or negative. Also, if I'm going to get my period soon, I should at least start having cramps by then. So here's hoping I can hold out.

So, about that period. My period is supposedly due next Wednesday, July 22, which, coincidentally, is the due date of my first pregnancy. I've been trying hard not to dwell on that. My goal is to focus on what is and to accept that nothing "should" have been any certain way--it is what it is. But still, there's this feeling of sadness that I can't shake; it mostly stems from my loss of innocence surrounding that first pregnancy. I was so positive then. I had such plans. I told myself that my body knew what to do and I should just relax. That first miscarriage had me so blindsided--I don't know if I'll ever be able to let down my guard again, and that makes me a little sad.

Thoughts on work and TTC

I haven't been around much recently, mostly due to the fact that I've been very busy at work. After coming back from vacation, my boss was out the subsequent week, so I had to catch up while covering for him. I've also been put in charge of a high-visibility project, become a mentor to someone else in my department, and have been working with some interns in the department to get things done. Oh, and I'm in the middle of a class right now that takes one day out of every week.

Phew.

However, while I'm going through this maelstrom of work, I'm struck by competing desires. I love being busy at work. I love being the go-to person for things. I really appreciate these high-visibility projects I've been on and I see a clear pathway for me to continue moving up. I'm good at my job, and it gives me a great sense of accomplishment.

On the other hand, I want a child so much right now, and I don't think I can keep moving at this speed once I have a child to care for. I don't know if I'll want to keep this up. When we first adopted our dog, I remember how difficult it was to leave him the first few weeks; I can't even imagine how much harder it would be with my own child.

I keep reminding myself that we will figure this out, things will work out, but on weeks like this, when I am fully and happily buried with work, I can't help but think about how my life will change once we finally do have a child (or 2 or 3 ...).

Right now, it's one thing at a time. If balancing work and family is the largest hurdle in my future, then I will be a happy person.

But that doesn't mean I'll stop thinking about it.

We're back!

Mr. Rhody and I are back from our little "vacation". We spent the past week visiting his parents, who live pretty far from us and basically in the middle of nowhere. It was nice to see everyone, but we are very happy to be home again. I am off from work for the rest of the week, and I have a list a mile long of things to get done. So far today, I have spent the morning unpacking, doing laundry, and cleaning the first floor of my house. Phew.

But this is a TTC blog, so what of that? Well, I am officially not pregnant. After having crazy symptoms for a week and feeling incredibly sick for the ride to the middle of nowhere, I was greated by the worst period I've had since I was a teenager: disabling cramps and flow so heavy I'd soak a super-absorbant tampon in under 2 hours. Actually the period started with clots before moving to the heavy flow, which left Mr. Rhody and me wondering if those crazy symptoms I had had anything to do with it.

Whatever it was, it's mostly over now and Mr. Rhody and I are ready to TTC with renewed energy this month. After all, the fun part of TTC is just around the corner. ;)

While on vacation, we also took an hour drive out to "somewhere" to visit some friends from college and their new 5-week old baby. After many comments of, "You look so natural," "I can just see you guys as parents!" "When are you guys planning to start a family?" I ended up breaking down on the way home. It's so much harder facing the reality of the miscarriages when we are in a family environment. I ache for a family of my own, and I know Mr. Rhody does as well. One way or another, we've promised each other that we're going to get there.