So far, so good

The ultrasound today went very well. Baby is measuring right on track at 6w1d and with a strong heartbeat of 121 bpm!

Just as importantly, we had a very good experience with this new office. The u/s tech was very nice, understood we were nervous, and even printed out all of the information for me so I don't have to ask Mr. Rhody 101 times to remind me what the heartbeat was.

Now let's just see if we can't keep this heartbeat going for 7.5 more months, baby!

6 weeks

I had promised myself that I would celebrate every week I was pregnant this time around, so, here I am, 6 weeks! I have my first ultrasound tomorrow, so that is something to look forward to. Let's keep our fingers crossed that things look good.

I have been having heartburn like crazy and, for the past day or so, headaches. I've never really gotten headaches like this before, so it is making DH and myself a little worried, but I know it's common and I'm trying not overthink things. I am definitely not feeling as sick as I was with my second pregnancy, so that is very good.

I told myself that, in 4 weeks, we'll know where this pregnancy is going. I've never had a baby make it past 9w1d before, so, if I can do that, that will be a good sign. And that's only a few weeks away. I can make it to then without going crazy, I think.

Doctor situation sorted at least

I figured I should update after my last post. I called and begged to be seen at this other practice that Mr. Rhody knew of through a school acquaintance. I went in, saw a doctor, and decided I'd switch.

The office was nice, the staff was nice, and the doctor seemed a lot more proactive than my last practice. The doctor seemed surprised that no one had ever tested my progesterone levels or done an HSG, so he put me on Prometrium to start. I'm not too thrilled about being on the gross suppositories all day, but, eh, it's only until 12 weeks and I'm willing to try pretty much anything at this point.

The Lovenox is a no-go. Apparently they just don't do that in Rhode Island. This doctor was clear that he'd do whatever the OB Medicine practice suggested since it was outside his area of expertise. At least he was straight with me. I am still waiting on the old practice to get back to me with my OB Medicine consult, though I'm not holding my breath.

Since I'm not on Lovenox, I'm still low risk, technically, so I'm going to see the midwives at this new practice. I really do want to have as low an intervention birth as is possible, and I've felt pressured and pushed around enough recently. I really like the idea of patient-centered care.

I have seen a few people lately who are getting all excited and announcing their pregnancies around 8w. It's put me in a bit of a funk. I remember our first pregnancy--we announced to our parents between 8 and 10w. And then the second pregnancy, when we had our 8w ultrasound, I remember thinking that the odds are so good, I'm SURE it won't happen again. We lost both pregnancies at 9w1d, so here I am just hoping we get to 9w2d this time.

I'm a mess

I'm currently 5w pregnant, and I don't have a doctor.

Yesterday was awful. Horrible. If Mr. Rhody wasn't there with me, I would have thought I'd said / done something inappropriate. Having him there with me to confirm I'd done nothing wrong is the only saving grace from yesterday.

I know I'm not making sense. It's 3:30 am and I've been up for an hour. I woke up from some violent nightmares, though I don't remember what they were.

OK, let me try to start over.

In the middle of the day yesterday, I got an email from the hematologist. He forwarded me his conversation with his associate in Boston and recommended the Lovenox. Great. Fine.

So I went to this appointment with the high risk OB. Mr. Rhody and I get in there, and she starts talking to us like we're 5 years old, not like we're 2 people who have had this diagnosis for a few months and have clearly read up on it. We let her speak, and then I started asking questions. You could see that she wasn't expecting questions; she was expecting us to nod and then leave immediately.

Several things that she said were flat out wrong. One thing was that there is "no" evidence that using Lovenox results in increased positive outcomes with pregnancy. I bit my tongue and slowly said, "I will agree that the data is mixed, but I wouldn't say there is 'no' evidence." At that point, she informed me sternly that she maintained all of the protocols for the office, so she was definitely up on the literature, and she ran out of the room to find me a citation list. Of course, she couldn't find a citation list, and, when she came back to the room, Mr. Rhody handed her the definitive study that shows increased live birth rates with Lovenox. The OB scanned the paper for a minute, misread something in the Methods section (which I haltingly corrected), and then threw it back at Mr. Rhody, saying that if we didn't believe her, she would set us up a consult with the OB Medicine group.

There was more to the appointment, but, suffice it to say, were were browbeaten and I didn't get to ask any of the questions I'd wanted to ask this supposed specialist. I did hear again how hematologists have NO idea about pregnancy; it's funny, because all of the articles I've found about this mutation have been in hematology journals. It's no wonder this doctor hasn't read them then.

So we can't go back to this OB's office. We can't. My biggest nightmare right now is that we'll miscarry again before we find a new doctor. My hematologist can't start me on Lovenox until they find an OB practice willing to work with them.

I guess I'm going to spend today making phone calls, once the offices open up. I am so sick of this. I am so tired of trying out new doctors who just flip out on me once I start asking questions. Maybe it's me? I don't mean to be difficult. I just want someone who will talk to me and not tell me lies.

5 weeks today!

What a week it's been. Faithful readers may have noticed that I pushed my count back 2 more days; I decided to use LMP after all, instead of O date. We'll find out which one is closer when I have my first u/s, which is on September 29. Only one week and one day from today!!

I have another doctor's appointment this afternoon, with the high-risk doctor from my OB practice. My Rhody is coming with me, which is good, because having him there usually keeps me calmer. I don't know what we're going to talk about because I'm done hearing about how there is no evidence that these clotting mutations cause miscarriage. If the doctor wants to try just baby aspirin this time, that's fine, but don't tell me things that aren't true.

I have to say, I've been feeling pretty decent so far this pregnancy. In that way, this is much more like my first pregnancy than my second, in which I felt sick all.the.time. I am trying to convince myself that the difference is the big changes I've made to my diet (more protein, less veggies and carbs) and the fact that I've been working out, especially the yoga. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that things keep going well!

Third appointment of the week

So I had my third doctor's appointment of the week today. I met with a highly-recommended doctor today because I am considering switching practices and her name had come up repeatedly.

I won't go through everything about the appointment, but here are the high points. She thinks I want the Lovenox just because I want to do something differently with this pregnancy. She says there's no evidence that the mutations I have caused my miscarriages. She refuses to look at my research and says the studies are just not there. She said if I didn't listen to the perinatologist, there is nothing extra she can tell me. She was very nice and open when she spoke, and I know she really believed what she was said. Oh, and she seemed to think NFP was a great way to have an accidental pregnancy. She IS the only doctor that sat down with me and explained what the protocol would be if I DID push for the Lovenox, and that was helpful.

Basically, going with this new office would be about the same as staying with my current office.

Pros of this new practice: location is more convenient, doctor seems to be more willing to have a low intervention birth than my current OBs, getting away from the bad blood I have with my current practice

Cons of the new practice: starting over, no chance to deliver in the Alternative Birthing Center, basically switching one set of doctors who just think I worry too much for another set of doctors that think the same thing

I don't really know now. I am meeting with a high-risk doctor from my current OB practice on Monday, and I guess I'll decide after that. I'm not entirely sure what I'll say to her though, so I'm tired of pounding the same points over and over.

I have pretty much given up on the Lovenox thing. "It's just not done here" is what I keep hearing, so I guess I'll just be keeping my fingers crossed. Maybe I'll get lucky this time.

A glimmer of hope

So I like my hematologist.

I know I said that the last time I saw him, and then I got pregnant again and I hated him. I hated him because he'd said we'd do the Lovenox (along with my OB). I hated him because he'd never called me himself to tell me what he was thinking. Instead, he sent his nurse along with a message that he'd see me next week.

But today, he seems to have redeemed himself.

Mr. Rhody and I went to the appointment this afternoon. I had asked Mr. Rhody to come with me because of the debacle at the midwife's office last time, which had me crying for the rest of the night--and into the morning.

So the hematolgist came in and asked how things were going. I opened things up by asking him what had changed his mind--he had jumped straight to the Lovenox last time, and now was pulling back to the aspirin. He said that he had consulted with a number of doctors, my OB included. Basically, the current suggested standard of care is only the aspirin unless you've had 3 or more losses. While the hematologist conceded that if I were a member of his family, he would recommend the Lovenox, he said the data just wasn't there for him to take the liability of prescribing it to me.

As an aside, I hate that standard. I understand where it's coming from, but I already felt like my second baby was a sacrificial baby to try to figure out what was wrong. Here I am with a third baby--should this one be sacrificed as well?

Anyway, I told the hematologist that I had an article that clearly compared the aspirin and Lovenox; luckily, I had brought the article with me. (The article states success rate is 33% with aspirin and 87% with Lovenox for those with the prothrombin mutation and one past loss past 10 weeks.) Unlike the perinatologist that we saw 4 months ago, this doctor actually seemed very interested. He conceded this was compelling research that he'd never seen before.

Unfortunately, the hematologist didn't feel he was in a position to unilaterally decide one way or the other, but he did give us a promise that he was going to contact a thrombophilia specialist at a major hospital in Boston to ask his opinion. He expected to have his opinion in the next few days, then he would email it to us.

This is pretty much the best I think we can ask for at this point. To be honest, I don't want to go on the Lovenox if I can be convinced that it's not needed. Even less though, do I want to go through another miscarriage that I believed could have been prevented. At least we have people listening to us for now, looking at the research on our behalf. That seems like the best compromise to me.

Spent

So I met with a midwife today. Within my OB practice, there is a midwife practice, so I figured I'd try them out. I had been meaning to, and with the recent difficulties I've had with my OB, this seemed like a good time.

The midwife started by asking me why I was there, and I told her, in short, I had been interested in checking out the midwives because I had heard they were more patient focused there. Then she went on how that was true and OBs are focused on sick women and midwives take care of healthy women who happen to be pregnant. At the mention of sick vs. healthy women, I started falling apart. I started to wonder if this was all a mistake. After all, my body doesn't seem healthy any more.

After that, it all started tumbling out. The miscarriages. The repeat loss testing. The perinatologist appointment. The discussions about Lovenox. The hematologist appointment. The nurse yelling at me. And, finally, that I'd called my doctor yesterday at 8:30 am and that he'd never bothered to call me back. I told her how lost I'd felt, how I just wanted someone to sit and talk with me.

At this point, the midwife left the room for a bit to find and talk to one of the high-risk doctors. While she was gone, I started kicking myself. I was sure I'd said too much. Why did I lose my composure?

The midwife came back and confirmed that, for my mutations, they only recommend baby aspirin, not Lovenox. If they did do Lovenox, it would be started in the second trimester, which, of course, would have been too late for my previous losses.

The visit went on for a bit more, but it was all a blur in my mind. I have given up. I guess at this point, I can try the baby aspirin, stay away from dark leafy greens, make sure I keep working out, and drinking lots of water. If we lose this pregnancy too, then maybe it's on to adoption for us. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep fighting to stay optimistic.

I guess the good news is that as long as I'm not on Lovenox, I still qualify for a low-risk, midwife birth, provided I make it that far. And the midwife did seem to seem nice, like she cared, and she definitely listened.

I still have the hematologist appointment on Thursday. And now I have the high-risk doctor appointment on Monday. There is one question that I plan to ask at both appointments: Is there a quantitative test that we can use to track my propensity for clotting, something that if I hit a certain value, that we know that the risk is too high and then bring out the Lovenox?

This is exhausting. I am so spent. I am tired of worrying, meeting new doctors, feeling broken.

4 weeks today!

I've decided I'm celebrating every week I am pregnant, so, here I am 4 weeks. I'm going to start celebrating this pregnancy, no matter what.

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about something my priest said a week ago when I went to talk to him about the losses and getting pregnant again. He said that I had to have faith in 3 entities in this process: God, myself, and my doctor.

I have been struggling with my faith in God, but I am able to accept that bad things happen. This is not God testing me or forgetting about me. Things happen, and God is there to help and support us, but not to completely shield us. I get that. I don't like it, but I get it.

I have had a bit of a hard time having faith in my body. After all, isn't it my body that caused the first 2 miscarriages? But with getting back into shape, I have started to have faith in my body again. I feel myself getting stronger, and I know I can depend on myself.

The final part is the hardest. I would like to say I have faith in my doctors, but I can't. When I am frozen out of the process like I am now, it is hard to feel like the doctors have my best interests in line. This is why, when I was at the doctor's office for my blood draw yesterday, I stopped by the midwife's office to ask if I could talk to someone about switching. I got so emotional just asking that my voice cracked; all of the frustration and all of the fear that I've been dealing with was just so close to the surface.

My strategy is just to keep myself busy for the next 9 weeks. I am keeping up with yoga, dancing, and swimming as much as I can. I have the midwife appointment on Tuesday now and then the hematologist appointment on Thursday--finally! I picked up a book someone on the bump had recommended after my second miscarriage, "Disappointment with God", and I requested a few books on being pregnant after a miscarriage. Mr. Rhody and I have started saying a novena to St. Gerard, who is the patron saint of motherhood--including infertility and miscarriages.

The goal is just to keep taking things one day at a time.

Ahem

So after my freaking out on my last post, I continued to feel very much sick and "pregnant". My temperatures also stayed up after 10 dpo, when they usually start to fall around that time. So I hit up the Dollar Store to buy OPKs for the next cycle, and picked up some HPTs there as well.

Yesterday morning, I thought to myself, well it was only a dollar. Maybe I should re-test just in case.

And there it was, the faintest of lines. Mr. Rhody didn't see it, so I busted out a FRER, and then we confirmed, with another faint line.

That is when the "fun" began. In short, I called my OB, waited forever for a nurse to call me back, just to be yelled at for testing too early. Really? 12 dpo is early now? Of course they never ask about ovulation date or anything, just LMP, so I had already "adjusted" my LMP by 2 days, so that I seemingly did ovulated on CD 14. After being dressed down, the nurse asked me *why* I wanted betas. Lady, look at my chart. This is the third time this year I have been pregnant. My doctor and I have already discussed this, Ms. Nosy Nurse. God, I hate the staff at my OB's office. Anyway, I went in and had the blood drawn, return in 48 hours.

As for the hematologist, the guy who had previously said, "Yes, we want to put you on Lovenox when you are pregnant again," has now reneged. He talked to my OB (but no one talked to me, mind you) and sent his nurse back with the message that he will see me next Thursday and take baby aspirin. No other details.

I feel guilty. I want to be excited about this pregnancy. We worked so hard to be pregnant again. But all I feel is anxiety. And I feel ignored. I just wish someone would talk to me like a thinking adult.

I couldn't sleep this morning. Too many crazy dreams. I am locked in an offsite for work all day today, which is going to end with a surprise baby shower for my coworker. Oh, and someone brought their baby to work yesterday. As I was trying to leave, all of the women stood around cooing. One said to me, "Doesn't she make you want one?" OF COURSE I FUCKING WANT ONE; IF YOU'D ONLY KNEW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH TO GET ONE.

I am exhausted. I wish I could hide myself away from the world for the next 8 weeks.

Had a bit of a breakdown this morning

I'd let myself get my hopes up over the past few days. This being our 4th cycle trying since the last miscarriage, you would have thought I would have gotten over this. Apparently not. So I tested this morning, at 10 dpo, and it was negative. I know, I know, it's still early, I still have a good chance, etc.

But I broke down in the shower later. I can't keep doing this. I can't face yet another super-painful period. I am ready to take a break from all of this TTC and go back on the birth control just to get some relief from the seemingly-constant bleeding. Oh, but that's right, I can't go back on the pill. I'm a clotting risk.

My body can't seem to do anything right.

I know, it's only been 4 cycles. I know have been pregnant twice before. I know just need to give it time.

But I don't know how much more I can put into this process. I feel like I'm in constant pain or discomfort these days. Having a long, super-heavy period every 24 days is not cool at all. Then ovulation pain. Then I feel nauseated during most of my 2wws, until the cramping starts again.

I should call my doctor, at least about the heavy periods, but I mentioned them to the doctor long ago, and he seemed unconcerned. Mr. Rhody thinks I should see an RE. We are at a year now since we started this process, but we haven't had 6 months straight of no pregnancy yet. I have an appointment with a new OB on October 8. The way things have been going, I'll be in anoher 2ww by then. I don't know what to do.

I had a dream last night that some former friends of mine, with whom I was close to when I had my first and second losses, remembered my first EDD and emailed me. Alas, that was just a dream.

Long weekend to work on myself

I've been bad at updating again, but things have been going. Let me start with saying that it's Labor Day weekend, and I've taken today (Friday) off as well to give myself a 4-day weekend. I felt like I needed that mental break, and I'm glad I can take it.

A brief rundown on things:

• Work is still busy, but I am getting on top of things again, which is good. It helps that my boss is back, so that takes some pressure off of me.
• My chart sucks. I can't really tell when I ovulated. Fertility Friend is going with CD 12 (same as last month), but I am more partial to CD 15. Whichever it is, I'm pretty sure that I HAVE ovulated, so now I just wait and see.
• I have been feeling really down recently, so I went to see my priest today. I can't tell you anything specifically that he said, but just talking to him was reassuring. I am feeling a bit better.
• Mr. Rhody and I have been talking about adoption more and more recently, either if TTC doesn't work out or just to grow our family beyond what we can. The price and the process had me down for a while, but I recently found out that my company will reimburse up to $22k of the costs, which has me psyched.
• I don't know how much I'd discussed it on here, but I have been struggling to lose the weight from my second miscarriage still. Well, I haven't really lost any yet, but Mr. Rhody and I have been going to the local YMCA pretty religiously, and I am starting to feel a difference in myself that is promising.

So that's the basics of what's been going on. I'm supposed to be cleaning the house while I'm home today, but, as per usual, I'm being sucked into the internet. I should be able to get going soon though.