I could get used to this

Another great midwife appointment today! I wasn't sure if I liked this midwife the first time I saw her, but I liked her a lot more this time. Kudos for Mr. Rhody convincing me last time that my nervousness was probably getting in the way of my judgement.

The midwife was not able to find the baby's heartbeat on the Doppler--though, honestly, she didn't try all that long. Instead of searching and making me worry, she suggested right away that we do an ultrasound. There was baby, heart still beating away. And now I know that it's not just me who can't find the heartbeat with the Doppler.

I also found out that there's a good chance I might be able to stay with the midwives throughout my pregnancy, even while being on the Lovenox. The midwife needs to check with the rest of the group, but that sounds promising.

I told the midwife that I was nervous about waiting 4 weeks until the next appointment, especially since our first loss was discovered at 12.5 weeks, so now I'm going to go back for another check-up in 2 weeks! She did say I could continue coming in every 2 weeks until I could feel the baby if I wanted, which I don't know if I'll do, but I appreciate having the option.

Also, not related to this appointment, but I realized I had never updated on my MRI. Apparently my brain is "normal". (How disappointing! I had expected them to come back with a diagnosis of "stupendous"!) So, since I'm still having that pesky numbness, I've been referred to a neurologist. I certainly am getting my money's worth out of our insurance this year!

10 weeks!

10 weeks today, and I'm feeling pretty optimistic!

As an aside, I can say the worst thing about having had 2 missed miscarriages is that you no longer trust your body. It's so scary for me to embrace this pregnancy. I hate the idea that that baby could die and I could have no idea and still walk around feeling pregnant. In a way, it makes me feel like a bad mother because shouldn't I know something as simple as whether my baby is alive or not?

But that's beside the point, because today is a day to celebrate being in the double digits for weeks completed. As of today, Baby Rhody is officially a fetus. It's a great milestone.

I would like to say that, now that we are at 10 weeks, I officially heard the baby's heartbeat on the Doppler. Well, I think I did, but it was still kind of quiet and far away. I could catch readings of 170-180 for a moment on the screen, but I could never really get a good lock on things. I did hear a lot of whistling and whooshing, which I think is the placenta. I'm not ready to consider this a success though. I'm going to give it a few more days.

Remember a few weeks ago how I said that I was feeling really, surprisingly good this pregnancy? Well that ended this past week. Around Thursday / Friday, the "morning sickness" really started to settle in. One night poor Mr. Rhody made potato-leek soup for dinner, and the smell was SO AWFUL that I had to hide in the bedroom. I still haven't thrown up, but I've come close.

I have an appointment with the midwife on Thursday after work, where I think she's going to try her Doppler. I have decided against the NT scan, after wavering a bit this weekend, but I think I might ask for an u/s around 12.5 weeks just to check on the baby since we lost the first one so close to there.

I have to say, this pregnancy is going by much faster than the last 2, and that is a Godsend!

A GOOD milestone

If you has asked me this morning, I was convinced that I would be writing a completely different type of post this afternoon. My doctors appointments went better than I had dared to let myself hope.

First, our ultrasound. Baby Rhody has kept up the gains made last week and is now measuring 9w6d, still 4 days ahead of LMP with a healthy heartbeat of 176 bpm. Baby was even waving at the camera! I was so overwhelmed emotionally that I started to tear up and I squeezed Mr. Rhody's hand so much that he complained it hurt. :)

As for my MRI, the experience itself was fine. I brought a Miles Davis CD with me, so I mostly kept my eyes shut and listened to the music while they did the scans. It didn't seem to take long at all. They said it will take 2-3 days for my doctor to get the results, so I'm still keeping my fingers crossed.

Right now, I'm just over the moon at having made it this far! Oh, and we didn't get any ultrasound pictures again--sorry ladies!

9 weeks!

This is it. The scary week. The week our last two little ones stopped developing. Mr. Rhody and I have been a little extra on edge, but, overall, I think we are doing well.

Physically, this pregnancy has really hit me. My nausea is really settling in. I feel the worse as the day goes on, until I usually give up around 8 pm and just go to bed. This really ruined my weekend since I didn't want to do anything after noon. Most troubling to me, the headaches / left facial side numbness I've had since week 5 has been getting worse.

Wednesday is the big day this week. After work, first we have an ultrasound. I'll be 9w2d then, and I'm hoping to see a heartbeat and maybe to still have retained some of the gains we made last week. After the ultrasound, we are headed to the hospital for my MRI, which will hopefully give us some information as to why I'm having these disturbing symptoms.

In other news, the NY Times is currently running an poorly-researched and awfully-written series on infertility. I made the mistake of reading some of the reader's comments while I was feeling unwell this weekend. I ended up sobbing in Mr. Rhody's arms about how I couldn't believe how insensitive some people were. I hate that this process is so unfair.

I can't believe I am only 9 weeks today. I have caught a few people at work looking at me askance, so I asked the coworker that knows that I am pregnant if I'm not hiding it as well as I think. She told me that I do look a little different, but she thinks I'm over-analyzing. Well, which is it? Do I look different or not?

I think if we have a good ultrasound this week, I might reward myself with some more "transition" clothes to get me through the next month. Nice, bulky sweaters and empire-waisted shirts seem like they would be especially appropriate.

Please give us all of your thoughts and prayers for Wednesday!

Baby-vision!

Baby is still there. Heart is still beating a very healthy 170 bpm. The most exciting news though is that baby is measuring 4 days AHEAD at 8w6d. I know I shouldn't get to excited, that these measurements are only approximate, but I've never had a baby measure ahead before. Especially during this critical time--when I've already lost 2 babies that measured 9w1d, I am very happy to be 4 days ahead. I am hoping this will bode well for the future.

And just to continue to be those weird patients, I told the technician she didn't have to bother to print out pictures for us. I have a collection of 8w ultrasound pictures already. All I want is a healthy baby.

Next week is going to be the big week! If we can make it 2 more weeks, then I will be over the moon.

Also, I should mention that the Lovenox shots are not bad at all. They burn a bit, but I am getting used to the sensation. I don't even have to look away any more! Sometimes I get a small bruise at the injection site, but not all the time. And, true to form, my blood clots instantly so there isn't even a bead of blood after Mr. Rhody does the injection.

8 weeks

I'm celebrating 8 weeks today with some mixed feelings. When we first filled the Lovenox prescription this week, I felt so hopeful that this was going to work. I started having dreams about babies again. I found myself actually being able to think about giving birth or having a baby in the house.

At the same time, I knew that I had gotten my hopes up after great 8w ultrasounds with 2 previous pregnancies. I knew that just getting this far did not guarantee me a baby. And I knew that the Lovenox was not a guarantee.

Over the past couple of days, I've felt worry creep back in. Even though I'll be the first in line to tell people that symptoms are not an indication or a healthy or unhealthy pregnancy, I've started to worry about little things. And, this morning, I woke up with cramps.

So now I'm hoping that the cramps are due just to some ::ahem:: intestinal distress I've been having. I have no spotting or bleeding, though that's no consolation with my history. So I'm just putting my feet up today and drinking lots of water, and waiting for Mr. Rhody to get home from a night out with his parents. Ultrasound is already scheduled for Wednesday, so I'll just keep my fingers crossed until then.

You're not going to believe this

I had an amazing doctor's appointment today.

You know that appointment I was dreading because I already "knew" what the doctor was going to say? Yeah that was today. And it went nothing like I thought it would.

So we went to see the OB Medicine group. Basically, this is the group that deals with pregnancy complications, more of a whole body sort of view of medicine than a regular OB's office. They don't deliver babies, but they act as medical advisors.

In short, this doctor we saw today was awesome. We started by talking about our histories, and she talked about how hard it was to find evidence that a clotting disorder caused a miscarriage. Even looking for clots in the placenta could be difficult because there is a good chance the placenta would have clotted between the OR and the lab. Then she said evidence of an infarction was much more convincing, and Mr. Rhody and I nodded interestedly, as neither of us had heard this before. At this point, she stopped and looked at us and commented that we looked like we understood her ... did we maybe have medical backgrounds?

We chuckled at the time, but what impressed us both was that she was actually paying attention. She wasn't just pontificating, running through a pre-rehearsed spiel without responding to her audience. Something about this doctor was different.

Anyway, aside from the talking, she also did an exam. I told her I've been getting headaches on the left side, along with some numbness down the left side of my face. When I'd told my midwife this, she brushed me off, but this doctor did a full neuro exam. She didn't find anything, but she did order me an MRI.

She also felt my thyroid while doing the exam and commented that it felt larger than expected, even for a pregnant woman. She asked if I'd ever been tested before. I said no, and she ordered me the bloodwork.

She listened to my heart and commented that pregnancy might be giving me a murmur (something she says is common), so she ordered an EKG. Luckily, the EKG showed nothing to be worried about, but she's going to keep an eye on it.

Finally, we talked about the Lovenox. She said she didn't put me in the "definitely not" category, but she didn't put me in the "definitely yes" category either. We talked about it a lot, and I appreciated she was very open with us, especially with how there was not consensus in the field. I asked her what she would do if it were her, and she said she'd probably go for it, as the side effects of the treatment were pretty minimal. She kept stressing how low the prophylactic doses really were.

So I think I'm going to do it. Mr. Rhody and I are both taking tomorrow off, so we'll pick up the prescription and then head back to the OB Medicine office for them to show us how to do the injections. It's scary, but I think it's the right path for us. Yeah, I might be risked out of the super-fluffy alternative birthing center, but I will be less stressed for all of the next 30 or so weeks. I think it's the right trade-off.

I haven't wanted to talk much recently

We had another ultrasound today. Things are looking good. Baby is measuring right on schedule at 7w2d with a heartbeat of 156 bpm. I should be thrilled, right? But instead, my anxiety level is just ratcheting up.

Is there any way I could just fast forward through the next 2 weeks?

I am just not in a good place right now. Today is Mr. Rhody's birthday, and I yelled at him this morning. I yelled at him because I was frustrated that all of my shirts are too tight, and he said, "Maybe that is a good sign." I yelled at him because he should know better. I have never had a problem with pregnancy symptoms. They are no indication of a successful pregnancy for me.

I got my flu shot today as well. She did the injection, turned around to grab the bandage, and then didn't know where to put the bandage because there was no drop of blood on my shoulder. I clotted instantly. I wanted to cry. Why can't the doctors see that this is not right?

I have a meeting with the OB Medicine specialists tomorrow. I don't want them to pat me on the head and tell me not to worry myself. They don't know that. I just want someone who is willing to look at this critically. I just don't want to have to lose this baby too for that to happen.

I haven't been posting on the Bump much. I haven't been talking to my friends. I just have nothing to say. I just want to go and hide.

7 weeks

This morning, while pulling my lunch out of the refrigerator, the smell of everything hit me. Yup, I am here again. The refrigerator makes me nauseated. I remember this feeling well.

I was in a training this morning where I ended up sitting between the coworker that is 9 months pregnant and my new coworker who is 5 months pregnant. I said a little prayer that I would one day get to have cute little bumps like they had, even as my bra and my pants felt like they were strangling me because of the bloat.

So, 7 weeks. Luckily, Mr. Rhody and I have a very busy week ahead of us, so that should make things go by quickly. Tonight we are going to a cooking lesson! And Wednesday we have another u/s, dancing lessons, and it is Mr. Rhody's birthday. Thursday is our appointment with the OB Medicine specialists. Hopefully, I'll have some time to do yoga in there as well.

7 weeks. 3 more to go until the magical 10 weeks. Today I am pregnant, and I love my baby. Please, God, let me meet this one.

Taking a stab at optimism

I have to say, it's become a pet peeve of mine when someone who should know better, i.e. a medical professional, looks at me and tells me, "This time it's going to work. I just know it will." I want to yell at them that they don't know that it will. There's no reason for them to give me false hope, especially when they haven't listened to the details of my losses.

On the other hand, I don't want to give up hope on this pregnancy. There is a chance that it will work out. Mr. Rhody are doing everything we can to make this work. Below is my optimistic list. On days when I feel like maybe this time might actually work, these are the reasons:

1. The prothrombin mutation has been around for many generations. Lovenox has not. Somehow, other women have lived with this mutation, and I can learn to live with it as well.
2. Similar to above, studies show that somewhere between 70-80% of women with the prothrombin mutation don't have any problems with recurrent pregnancy loss. It's not known why this is, but that should be reassuring to me that just having this mutation doesn't mean the worst.
3. At the worst, the most dire study that I found said that treatment with aspirin only gives a 33% chance of a healthy baby. While that might be lower than I'd like, that's still a non-zero chance. One in three.
4. Also, I am trying the baby aspirin this time. I didn't try that last time. Maybe I'm lucky and that's all I need. I shouldn't give up on this possibility until I've given it a try.
5. Speaking of new things I'm trying this time around, we are trying the progesterone suppositories. Now, my progesterone levels have never been tested, but since both of my losses were before 10 weeks, there is some chance this could help.
6. One thing that helps is now that I know I have the prothromin mutation, I can actually effect some change to increase my chances. One of the things I'm trying is to reduce my consumption of vitamin K this time around, since vitamin K encouraged blood clotting. Now instead of having just broccoli for dinner, I'll make sure to have more protein. As a side effect, the increased consumption of protein seems to be making my morning sickness less severe.
7. Also in response to the blood clotting, I have been making sure to continue working out this pregnancy. With my first 2 pregnancies, I gave in to the exhaustion early, but I've been fighting it, swimming 1-2x/week, yoga 2x/week, and dancing 1x/week, plus, staying active around the house. At the worst, this should help me not to gain as much weight this time around.
8. Along with exercising 4-5x/week, I have been very careful about not sitting for too long. The biggest thing with this is that I'm going to limit long car rides, which might include a few trips to see the parents. Oh, well, I guess they are just going to have to come and visit us!
9. On the less tangible side, Mr. Rhody and I have stepped up the prayer this time around. As I'd writted about before, we did a novena to St. Gerard this pregancy, and I have the medal that I'd bought and carry around most days.
10. And, finally, It has to work! I won't accept that it won't!

Midwife appointment

The appointment went fine. I LOVE the nurse we had, who was 10x better than the nurse that did the early pregnancy stuff at my last OB's office.

The midwife was ok. She was very direct and succint, which was fine, but she messed something small up about the clotting disorders. She asked my why I was on baby aspirin if my homocysteine levels were not elevated, completely overlooking the way more deleterious prothrombin mutation. Mr. Rhody says I hold on to these things too much, so I'm going to let that go, knowing that she's not trained so much in crazy clotting mutations as she is for giving birth.

I now have ultrasounds scheduled for the next 3 Wednesdays, and I'll be seeing this midwife again 4 weeks from today! If I make it to that appointment, I'll get a Doppler or an abdominal ultrasound, and, if that goes well, I will be feeling much better about this.

In other news, the guys came to start installing our fence today in our yard. I am so excited not to have to walk the dogs this winter! Especially since I'm going to be totally huge and pregnant this winter, it would be dangerous for me to risk slipping and falling on the ice!