9 dpo

I'm 9 days post ovulation, and I'm pretty proud of myself that I haven't tested yet. I've been tempted. First, I found that I have 3 tests in the house, leftover from last time: a CVS test which I expect not to work because the other two in the package didn't, a super-sensitive First Response Early Response, and a pretty sensitive First Response Digital.

They are calling my name. I have managed to resist thus far.

The truth is, I'm actually petrified to be pregnant again, along with those hopes and fears. Yesterday, Mr. Rhody and I were in the car, and I actually started crying because I am so frustrated with this process. This is not how baby making is supposed to be! Oh, sure, I always knew that childbirth was dangerous, but, somehow, I never thought it would be this hard to get there. I live in fear of needing another D&C.

My "phantom" symptoms have been getting stronger. I was nauseated when I fell asleep last night, and I woke up nauseated this morning. I was so hungry all day yesterday that I ended up eating all manner of foods. I woke up 3 minutes before my 5 am alarm this morning, and my temperatures are still up. I've taken to singing the Pepto Bismol song in my head because that's how I feel--though, of course, I haven't taken any actual Pepto.

The plan is still to test on Tuesday morning, unless I give in first and test tomorrow morning. My last positive came at 10 dpo, so it's not unwarranted, and I remember feeling like this as well. But I keep asking myself, what good will come of testing? Either I'm pregnant or not, and that little stick is not going to change that. The only importance is making sure I have that Lovenox on hand before we leave for vacation.

Luckily, I have recently found that you can play SimCity Classic online for free, so that helps to kill time and keep me distracted these days.

Phantom Symptoms

The phantom symptoms started yesterday, at 6 dpo. I have been on edge, irritable, but maybe that woman at work really was difficult and my irritability was warranted. Last night, I was hungry but nothing sounded good, but Mr. Rhody felt the same way and he's certainly not pregnant. I was exhausted yesterday, but maybe it was just a hard day at the office. And then today I can't sleep, but maybe that's just because I'm so excited over my temp rise. Heartburn, gassy-ness, cramps--there has to be another reason for them all.

Hmph.

I told Mr. Rhody last night that the phantom symptoms had started, and I was scared. I am scared that these things are all in my head and I'm making myself crazy. I am scared to be pregnant again and start this Lovenox therapy and scared of the possibility of another miscarriage, another D&C. At the same time, I hope I'm pregnant, because we want a child so very much and we just have to keep trying until we get there.

We're going on vacation for a week on Wednesday, so I'm planning on testing on Tuesday morning at 11 dpo so I can get the doctor's office to call in the prescription for he Lovenox before we leave. Tuesday seems so soon, and I worry about it being too early, but I promised myself I'd see how I felt and figure it out then.

2 days ago, I was feeling nothing, and, had you asked me, I would have swore this cycle was a bust. Now, I'm not so sure.

Apparently I am "scarred"

Today, this woman at the office was loudly discussing how her daughter had just told her she was pregnant. The daughter is still pretty early on, but I just let that go. My coworker is excited to be a grandmother. It did make me feel a bit jealous; I know how excited our mothers were when we told them about our first pregnancy, but I tried to let that go. Really.

And then this coworker announced that her daughter had only been trying for a month. Really? Did we really all need to know that? Even though Mr. Rhody and I have blessedly had little trouble getting pregnant, I would never go around and tell people that. That's like bragging. That's like discussing my salary in public.

So I turned to a "friend" of mine on IM, telling her that I thought it was rude to announce such a thing, to which she replied, "Not everyone is scarred."

I see. I'm scarred. And it's perfectly ok to brag. I understand totally.

I think I need new friends. I was thinking on the way home that I might look around for some miscarriage support groups around here. It would be nice to have some people to talk to IRL who've been there. Because I'm tired of hearing that I worry too much and apparently something is wrong with me for letting these miscarriages upset me.

Scarred. Really.

2 dpo

I'm 2 days post ovulation today. It won't be official until my 3rd high temperature tomorrow, but, yesterday, I'd already forced the FertilityFriend software to declare I'd ovulated. I guess I'm getting better at figuring out my body, though I have to admit I expected to ovulate earlier this month with all of the ovulation pains I was having.

We've done what we can, and now we just have to wait. We were supposed to be taking it easy and just letting things happen this month, which maybe we didn't do as well as we could. To be honest, I am much more relaxed than the last time we TTC'd--that time I wouldn't touch a cup of coffee for fear it would hurt my chances. As relaxed as I'm trying to stay, I know I'll still be a bit disappointed if I'm not pregnant this month.

Mr. Rhody and I are going to be on vacation at his parents' house when my period is due this month. I'm not sure if that's better or worse than being home. Hopefully, it will distract me, no matter what the results are!

How time flies

Mr. Rhody commented to me in passing this morning that we've been doing this whole TTC thing for 9 months now. I know that's not very long compared to some people, but, wow. One on hand it seems like forever; on the other hand I can't believe that much time has gone by. In addition, I have spent 5 of the past 9 months pregnant and 2 recovering from miscarriages. Wow.

Hopefully the next time I am pregnant, it will be for 9 months without interruption.

Speaking of next time, I think we're going to go for the Lovenox. I'm going to call my doctor on Monday and see if I can't talk to him about it. I want to make sure he's on board before I test this month, to remove any nervousness that might cause.

Disappointed with medicine

So yesterday morning Mr. Rhody and I went to see a maternal-fetal health specialist at our local hospital. Maternal-fetal health specialists are also known as perinatologists or genetic counselors, but, honestly, I don't think this guy had that much specialized training. If he did, he certainly wasn't using it.

After waiting a bit in the jam-packed waiting room, we were led into a small office. We introduced ourselves. I told the doctor that both Mr. Rhody and I were biochemistry majors and that we had a strong background in genetics. He countered by telling us he had hated biochemistry, because of having to learn all of the pathways. Umm, ok. I nodded and smiled politely, but I was thinking, "But isn't that what you do now?!"

Anyway, he walked us through all of the tests, even though I told him I had looked them all up already. He didn't listen when I asked him if my homocysteine levels appeared low only because I'd been taking extra folic acid for months. He said that wouldn't make a difference. Um, but that's how the pathway works. Oh, right, he hated learning those pathways.

He said the prothrombin mutation that I have is no big deal. He acted like he wasn't even convinced that it had caused my miscarriages. He told me I should take baby aspirin and that would fix it. "What about Lovenox?" I countered. This is when I kicked myself for leaving the article at home which showed a side-by-side comparison between aspirin and Lovenox for my exact mutation; the article shows both increased fetal success rates as well as high birth weighs for patients on Lovenox. The doctor said the risk of heparin, even a low molecular weight heparin like Lovenox was too high, pointing mainly to the risks of osteoporosis.

The doctor then started into a whole spiel about his oath to "Do no harm." I countered, politely but strongly, "What about the risks of another D&C? Every time I have the procedure comes with increased risk." He stated firmly that he thought the aspirin would lead me to have a healthy pregnancy.

The doctor then looked at me critically and turned to Mr. Rhody and said, "She doesn't look very convinced." Mr. Rhody, standing up for me, told him, "She doesn't get convinced easily," to which the doctor replied, "Oh, now you're in trouble!" speaking to Mr. Rhody. It was supposed to be a joke, but I found it offensive. My husband knows me. He knows I don't back down, and I like to think he appreciates that.

One last-ditch effort, I tried to invoke the article that I'd left at home. Telling the doctor about this article, he replied, "Well you can find anything on the internet." As if it was wrong for a patient to be searching the internet, advocating for her own health! Not even that, but I wasn't blindly searching Yahoo! Answers to find someone to agree with me; I was searching the medical literature! Quietly, I offered, well I can send the article if you're interested. "I'm sure I can find it myself," he snapped back.

I felt like I'd been scolded like a puppy who'd soiled the carpet. I asked the few other questions I had--what this mutation would mean in a childbirth and non-pregnant sense (nothing, of course, was his opinion)--and then slunk out of the room, feeling the need to apologize for challenging him on the way out.

This was about 24 hours ago. Since then, I've run through a range of emotions: angry, scared, disappointed. I didn't say anything to Mr. Rhody about it at first, instead I had gone straight to work. Mr. Rhody is the type who doesn't like to question authority, and I wanted to get my thoughts together before he and I talked. While at work, Mr. Rhody emailed me, "I just read the article. I think we should go with the Lovenox."

So here we are, still researching, reading. I'm going to try to get in to see my regular OB next week. Mr. Rhody's father (also an OB) spoke with a perinatologist at a conference who told him in no uncertain terms that if it were his child, he'd go with the Lovenox. It's scary. I'm usually a person who eschews drugs of any sort, but I can tell you, I am way more scared of ending up in that OR again.

"Memories are like landmines; you never know when one will get you"

For some reason the above thought popped into my head this morning. I was thinking about how my first due date is coming up in just over a month, just a week before my birthday. After that will be the anniversary of my first positive pregnancy test in November, followed quickly by my second due date on Thanksgiving day. The anniversaries continue, memories of how excited and naive we were last Christmas, announcing to our parents. We'd seen a heartbeat. We were at 10 weeks. We thought we were safe.

Mr. Rhody and I have had quite the year. The past 14 months have seen Mr. Rhody making it safely home from Iraq, me have surgery to remove a (thankfully) benign growth, our wedding, Mr. Rhody's transition out of the Navy and to a civilian job, 2 pregnancies, 2 miscarriages, 2 D&Cs, and, most recently, the news that I have not one but two mutations that can lead to clotting disorders.

I've been thinking about starting a TTCAL blog for a bit, and it seems today's the day. No matter what comes next, writing always seems to help. I've done counseling and I've tried acupuncture, but I think what helps the most is just a chance for me to talk through my feelings and emotions. I also think this will be a great way to keep up with all of my TTCAL and SAL girls!